The Wind and the Widow

Not only do I hate falling a sleep alone; I really hate having to do it twice in one night.  Did you hear the wind last night?  Well, I did and it woke me up, so that meant I had to fall back asleep a second time.  I laid there and listened and finally decided that it wasn't just a few gusts, but rather serious continuous wind.  So, I probably needed to get up and check things--things my husband should be there to do.

Which brings me to the tiresome reality of being alone.  Everything falls on your shoulders.  Car maintenance, house repairs, bills, decisions, taxes, plumbing, sprinklers, computer problems, appointments, phone calls, grocery shopping, opening jars, and checking wind damage.  It is not just one single thing that is overwhelming, rather, it is everything all the time while shrouded in grief.   The continual everything that begins immediately when he dies.  It starts with arrangements for the funeral and burial, and then the decisions never ever end.  Everything falls on your shoulders. Every. Single. Thing.

It is really difficult when you are first widowed, and smothered with grief, to have everything dumped on you, but over time it gets easier.  Indeed grief is a very icky road to travel down, but as the grief fog lifts and your widow muscles grow stronger you become capable, able and adept at handling everything by yourself.

So, I crawled out of bed checked the gates, yard and water heater pilot light and was relieved that I am doing better and that I am several miles down the widowhood road rather than at the first stop sign!

Today I am grateful for:
1.  my house not floating in Utah Lake
2.  a hot morning shower
3.  the pilot light staying lit during last nights wind
4.  being several miles down this road

Having a great day...

So, there is a spring in my step, a song in my heart, and I am up and dressed with an agenda. Also, this is my second post today. What has brought on all this joy?

I survived September (Joe's b-day), October (our anniversary), November (deathaversary & Thanksgiving) & December (sealing anniversary & christmas) again!!!

Wonderful.
Exciting.
Refreshing.
Relief.

Carry on world, I'm joining in again! The other eight months of the year contain just bumps in the road, and surviving them is easier than the marathon from September through December!

Cutest Blog & Other Stuff

One of my dear sweet friends has an awesome new blog called Crafty Cousins. It is a hit! It is so much fun to browse and get crafty ideas from. Last night I spent way too much time just snooping at all the fun ideas. Go check it out here

In other news, after Christmas I began to clean up my paints from the pillow cases, and I thought, I still want to paint...so, I began painting 5 of the 8 pillow cases I'll need for next Christmas! Go me! Hopefully, I'll be able to locate the finished pillow cases when I need them next December.

There is one thing about widowhood that's not so bad;
people kinda don't expect normal outta ya!

Here's what I am thankful for:
1. I am 7 years out; unlike a friend who started down this road Christmas eve.
2. The sunrise is a beautiful shade pink this morning.
3. I love my view of the lake.

Have a good day,peeps!

Gratitude

Needed my spirits lifted today, and my mission always seems to do that for me. Feeling so very blessed to serve the Lord in this way at this time.
Today I am grateful for:
1. My mission at the FHL.
2. The other missionaries I have gotten to know and love.
3. Working/spending time with/bugging my Dad on the days we work together!

Baby Shower

December 17, 2011
Baby shower for son and daughter-in-law:

cupcakes

Rollo snowmen

table decorations

We served cheesy potato soup, creamy wild rice soup, and homemade chicken noodle soup with rolls, vegetable tray, and tossed salad, punch and cupcakes.

Thank you everyone for coming.  I hope it gave you a minute to catch your breath and enjoy a meal during the busy holiday season.

Things I am grateful for:

1. A new grandson
2. A wonderful daughter-in-law & son that will raise new grandson in love and the Gospel
3. Friends and family who supported and attended the baby shower

Christmas 2011

Christmas was nice.  Dinner included Dad and his wife, the in-laws, niece "K", both daughters and their families and son and his wife, and little sister and her husband.  Total 19 people.
We ate turkey, ham, yams, potatoes & gravy, jalapeno stuffing, homemade cranberry sauce, raspberry & pretzel jello salad, rolls, vegetable tray with Ranch dip (and yummy sweet pickles), tossed salad, broccoli & cheese, green bean casserole, deviled eggs, and fresh garden corn. And I made a punch with limeade and Sprite, with cut up oranges and lemons, with cranberries.  It turned out very yummy!  Even used the punch bowl from my wedding, haven't pulled it out for ages.  It was kind of fun!

Food was great.
Gifts were great.
Children were fun.


Pictures. . . well the camera sat on the counter. . .and I never used it.
Funny how frequently I do that!
Oh well, here are pictures of the grand-children's pillow cases I painted and gave them:

the planets and spaceships

flowers

farm animals

space ships and glow in the dark aliens

hoping everything nice will rub off in her sleep!

Things I am grateful for:

1. The birth of the Savior
2. The Gospel
3. My family & friends
4. Church on Christmas Day

Merry Christmas

I woke up at 4:30 am, from a Nyquil-induced-sleep, to powder my nose.  I was dreaming that the remainder of the lawn needed to be mowed and I had asked Joe to finish it.  He said he had a few other things he needed to do; I explained that I needed it done now, because he might  never get to it otherwise.

Instead of starting off Christmas day  like this, I  went back to sleep. . .bad dream. . .start over. . .

Only to wake up at 6 am from a dream that we were in the RV and he was trying to get some sanding done and I was trying to unpack and clean.  He, once again, did not see how I needed him to listen because he might never get it done. 

Yep, save me the inference on what it all means. . .

I'll tell you what it means:
even though I was doing really great, the great big ugly GRIEF hand has reached up and slapped me in the face.

So, now I have to face his parents, niece, our children and everyone--everyone who WANTS him here--alone.  I am living the life we created together, only to stand alone among everyone who misses and loves him.

Darn it.
Darn it.
Darn it.
Dumb dreams.
Dumb death.
Really dumb drunk driver.

M-e-r-r-y   C-h-r-i-s-t-m-a-s!
(sniffle sniffle sniffle; now I'll be fine!)

Christmas Decorating

Last night we trimmed the tree, carefully placed our beloved Christmas decorations around the house while Christmas music and the peppermint candle filled the air.  Afterwards, we sipped hot cocoa in the dark and watched the Christmas lights twinkle with the merriment of the season.

NOT

It has taken me two weeks to drag up a few containers and place a few things around the house.  I tripped over the plastic totes and grumbled over having to decorate.  

Finally yesterday while bawling like a baby,  I took a Xanax and was able to get through the tears, and memories, and I finished putting up the tree and decorating it.

I guess the Christmas decorating tears are for missing what used to be.  Everything I pulled out reminded me of Joe or the children, and there is some sadness because I miss that season of my life.  It was fun and it was a blast, and stressful and busy.  I miss the excitement and the wonderment of the season, but I am in a new season now and although it is not one I choose, I am here and it's not bad--just a little lonely. 

I think the writers block I have suffered since the spring and summer has lifted.  I know now you are all thinking, "help, she won't shut up."  

Can you imagine something being so painful that it would prevent you from doing something you enjoyed and loved.  Who would have thought that it would take 7 years to finally be able to put pen to paper.  Grief is an unpredictable road to travel and hopefully none of you will have to experience it.  


Things I am grateful for:
1.  While Christmas decorating no one fought.
2.  The tree didn't fall over
3.  The tree wasn't taller than the ceiling
4.  The lights worked before and after they were put on the tree.
5.  I have good memories of past Christmas' to miss.

Imagine. . .

Kemmerer Camera, 21 December 1907

Can you imagine to "teach the future mother how to dress the future child."  Maybe that is why those silly teenage boys wear their pants with-their-undies-hanging-out; their mothers didn't get to practice!  Better idea; we should give those boys with their undies-hanging-out-of-their-pants their own dolls to practice with, maybe that's the problem! ! !  1907 they had the answer!

Kemmerer Republican, 22 December 1916

Does #2 really say "if you must have snow use...asbestos fibre".  NOT a good idea! Does #3 really say "do not let children light or re-light candles WHILE PARENTS ARE NOT PRESENT"?  NO!  It's a wonder any of us are here if these basics needed to be printed!!!  And, duh it does say, "Electrical illumination is safer"!!!  Yep, yep, yep!

Just a little side tracked while researching old newspapers!!!!

Surrender

Where you once stood;
now stands my new mate.


When I sleep;
I am not alone.

I wake up;
He's faithfully there.


I long for your arms;
but I am smothered by his grip.


We have dinner together;
and attend social functions arm in arm.


We go grocery shopping,
and travel together.


We spend evenings watching television;
and eat meals together.

The silence;
no longer unsettling.

Finally, comfortable,
in each others' company.


The space you once occupied,
is not empty;


But rather there's a new spouse.
Grief.


He's here to stay;
like an unavoidable appendage.


By my side during holidays,
and anniversaries.


I surrender,
what I cannot change.


Grief;
my spouse
who
moved
in
and took your place.

All I Ask is for 30 Seconds...

Last Thursday I am at Little Caesar's Pizza.  In walks a man about Joe's size and shape AND said guy is wearing a tan Carhart. 

I want to walk up to him and say, "Hold me."

Surely, if I can close my eyes and pretend he's Joe, then he can pretend I'm not nutty.

Do it for charity.

Do it for the betterment of widow-kind.

Do it for being mean to your mom when you were a kid.

I don't care why you do it; I just want 30 seconds to be back in my husband's arms.

Instead I leave with my warm pizza and walk into a room of little people who think I am the best grandma because pizza IS their favorite.

A widow's gotta get her hugs where she can!

Eskimo Legend & Anniversary

"Perhaps they are not really stars in the sky, but rather openings where our loved ones shine down to let us know they are happy."

I know what you are all saying, "oh no, not another anniversary."  

Yep, but this year I remembered this one thank you to my Joe's new IPad and the handy calendar!  

Friday, December 9 is Joe and my sealing anniversary.

Yep, it was the day we were sealed for all eternity in the Manti Temple.

It was a very HAPPY day and here is what I remember:

• We were married civilly 17 years before we were sealed
• I was more nervous being sealed than married--by then I kinda had an idea of how long "eternity" was going to be!
• It was only 10 months and 5 days from the day I first went through the temple.  (When conversion happens it happens fast.)
• For the past seven years, I have CLUNG and HELD TIGHTLY to that sealing.  
• There was a snow storm, and I didn't care if anyone else was able to make it to the temple.
• There are no words to describe the feeling of  having my family all togeher in the temple.  That was the only day we were or will ever be all in the temple at the same time:  Joe, myself and our children.
• It was very cold, you can tell by our pictures
• Very beautiful and very sacred.

So here's to 14 years and the rest of forever with you. . .I miss you!

X O X O X O X O

Lights on Temple Square

picture from here

Dear Friends and Family:

Article in the Church News about the Christmas Lights on Temple Square.  Get your copy today and I'll autograph it for you later!!! (Just kidding)  Just another perk of missionary work on Temple Square, feeling the Spirit of Christmas and seeing the lights.  Here's a link to the article:
http://www.ldschurchnews.com/articles/61781/Lights-on-Temple-Square.html

Love,
Janet

You can never. . .

photo from here

. . .make the same mistake twice; 

because the second time 

you make it's not  a mistake, 

it's a  choice.

Grandchildren. . .

Number seven is coming 

February 29, 2012

Congratulations to Katie & Anthony

(nothing wrong with announcing it again, this time bigger!!!)

AND NUMBER. . .

congratulations to 

Farrah & Bradden, 

(yep, you heard me right)

 June 19, 2012

Bridges. . .

The hardest thing in life to know 

is which bridge to take and which bridge to burn.

My Accomplishment

Here is what I have been working on: 

Frontier Mine No. 1 Disaster

On 14 August 1923, 137 men entered the mine, 38 came home.  Ninety-nine men were killed that morning about an hour after they first entered the mine.  In the small communities of Frontier and Kemmerer, those 99 men represented 4% of the population.

I did two research papers on the accident when I attended Western Wyoming Community College, and since I have had so much background information about the accident I thought a blog was a great way to share the information so that their descendants would be able to know what happened.

I believe that it is not only a genealogical tool, but also a historical tool about early coal mining in Wyoming.  Go check it out and leave a comment!

Did I really do that?

Yep, I did and it's okay.

Sometimes on this walk down widowhood road you just have to do what you want. 

Sometimes you just don't have the energy or the strength to endure one more drive home alone tears streaming down your face because although being with everyone is great, after it's over the big gaping hole of emptiness reminds you how much you miss him.

Sometimes dinner and spending time with family is just not worth walking into a dark empty house.
Crawling into a cold empty bed,
and knowing he'll never hold you again.

Sometimes it's not about the food, it IS about avoiding the pain.

Thank you family for understanding
because
IT IS OKAY!

(P.S. If the shoe was on the other foot, I imagine with the life insurance he would have bought himself a brand new four wheeler, what better way to remember your deceased wife, and he would be out on the San Rafeal swell alone, and. . . you all would be okay with that.)

The giver is really the biggest receiver

So yesterday was the Remster's big number 5 birthday.  I gave him some cash and a coupon for the Chinese Buffet, his favorite place to eat.  I figured that we would go and shop for a gift and then go out to lunch.

At first I was going to take him out before his birthday, because who wants to wait for their present? 

Then as it got closer I realized that  it was almost torture to get a birthday present and then not get to play with it. 

So I settled on cash. 

Last night on the way to his house, I felt kind of guilty, I thought how lame.  Just cash and a promise to go get a birthday present, maybe not such a good idea.

And
then
he opened it,
and in his five years of wisdom and with great delight he exclaimed:

from here

"It's thousands of dollars! ! !"

(The bigger gift, squashing grandma's insecurities!  Thank you my little five-year-old!)

 

Guess What

from here

Eight is Great

and 

better than seven!!!

Stayed tuned.  

To find out why!  

More details to come!

It’s all an attitude of gratitude

I am thankful for my family, blessings, friends, and my testimony.

As I have listened and read others “thankful” lists, I get crazy-twisted when I read or hear, “I am thankful for trials.” 

Really?

Seriously?

Then there are those who profess, “I pray for trials so I may grow.”

Really?

Seriously?

My last seven-year-trial has been the death of Joe and I AM NOT grateful for this trial. 

I am not grateful that:

I crawl into an empty bed every night

Wake up alone every morning

When my grandchildren visit grandpa, they go to the cemetery

None, not one single grandchild will ever go fishing with Joe

Everyday I cry because I miss him so much

I have to go to the temple alone—and, he’s not waiting in the celestial room

I go to church alone

I celebrate my anniversary alone

I have had to learn how to fix a sprinkler system

I know how to move heavy things

I know how to use all the power tools I own

I can back up the RV into a parking spot

I have to keep his memory alive or  people will forget him

I have to deal with family, financial and world problems alone

So, choose your words wisely, ARE you really grateful for your trials, or you just haven’t got the big one yet?

(PS:  even if I choose to look at the "glass half full" it 's still the same--half empty!)

A Death that is 100% Preventable...

...the cancer community it wishes it had that rate!

People raise hundreds of thousands of dollars every year for cancer prevention and research.  They run, walk, and eat yogurt, while all the proceeds go to cancer.  Great strides have been made in the cure, and I am grateful.  I am grateful for my friends and family who have survived cancer.  I am happy that they have survived and been cured.  So glad for cancer treatment and cancer research

However, isn’t it ironic how much time and money go into finding a cure for cancer and yet there IS a cure for DUI vehicular homicide.

That is beer all over the road and the drunk's truck in the background

100% preventable.  No early detection; no tests or exams; no signs or symptoms to watch for; no family history no predisposition.

Ironic isn’t it that we as a nation and community fight so hard to win the battle against cancer, and yet, where is the fight against drunks and drunk driving?  

Drunk driving will affect 1 in 3 of us. (source)

Visit MADD here.

Tagalong:

one that persistently and often annoyingly follows the lead of another.

Yep, after 7 years I feel persistent and yep, I find it very annoying.  

 By default, I am the definition of “tag-a-long”.  I don’t set out to be a tagalong, I don’t fantasize how to be a tagalong.  I don’t want to be a tag along.  

 It’s my position in society by default.

At Thanksgiving dinner, family get-togethers, dinner with friends, weddings, restaurants, movies, vacations and all other social activities:  I either go “stag” or I “tagalong.”

Over the past seven years, it has begun to chip at the strength I am able to muster.

I find it more difficult every year that passes to continue to motivate myself to go stag or tagalong.

I cannot do it anymore.  I am tired.  Too tired to walk into one more room, situation, meeting, or business alone.  I am tired of meeting people by myself and then having to explain; being discriminated by the carpool lane; I am exhausted of standing in line alone and I am tired of sitting alone.  I am tired of the lonely ride home to an empty house.

I am annoyed that the world continues to live and move forward, while I, once again, just tag along.

But most of all I am tired of PRETENDING I am okay with being alone.

I am not.

Update on Anthony

Anthony's appendix burst a couple of weeks ago and he ended up going to the hospital last Monday.  They thought it was kidney stones~guess he had choice words for me and Dad...

When they realized it was his appendix they wanted him on antibiotics before they would operate.

picture from here

He was operated on Tuesday, no small incisions for him, they needed to clean out the infection and leave a drain.  Suddenly he is all compassion for my  c-section birth I gave him...

I drove up Wednesday, he was very sore.  He doesn't quit talking when he is on pain medication and he holds still.  Miracle!!!

Friday they released him from the hospital.

I was curious as to why he didn't feel the pain in his gut and react sooner.  After discussing this with him, he explained that he thought it was the usual gut problems he received while in Honduras on his mission.

So, nope he cannot be in charge of determining when Katie or the new little boy goes to the doctor!!!

Get well son, I miss your bouncing!!!
(can't believe I just wrote that)

Addiction

Hi, my name is Janet and

picture from here

I am addicted to my

Ipad!

• It sleeps next to me

• It adapts to my mood. 

If I am:
happy--it keeps me happy
sick—it soothes me by taking my mind off of my affliction
lonely—it helps me reach out to others through FaceBook, emails, blogs, & FaceTime
sad—it can brighten my mood by watching YouTube, or reading uplifting things
grieving—I can read and search about grief to know I am not alone
bored—it entertains me--Yea Netflix!!!
perplexed—I can instantly Google and answer any question I have
ornery--I can read my scriptures or listen to hymns!
creative--I can use paint on my pictures or I can list my ideas

• I love to read on it:

I don’t need to worry about lighting, because it adapts.
I don’t need to worry about glasses because it adjusts.
I don’t need to carry a book with me; it’s self contained with several choices!
Its my all-in-one:  my scriptures, magazines, notebook, journal, phone book, music, and link to news.

• New purse, it has to fit the Ipad

Yep, yes-sireee,
I am addicted, and
nope, no-sireee,
I am not ready to give it up!


Disclaimer:  Nope, I am not getting paid for this endorsement!  ~I just love it~



Deathaversary

Every year 'bout this time I ponder and remember.

I ponder about what the last hours of his life were like.  (I'm still missing about an hour)  Did he know, or suspect.  What was his final thought?

And

I remember that morning as if it was yesterday.
Ironic,  I forget so many things on a daily basis, but the only day I want to forget, my memory is crystal clear!

So, the following post is what I lived that day

Seven Years Ago Today. . .

The phone, the doorbell, the knocking--no rather the pounding on the door.

Blindly I navigate to the phone. The noise--it's so irritating, all I want to do is close my eyes and sleep.

Once I find the talk button on the phone, I say, "hello" the last words I ever speak in my normal world.

"Janet, this is Joan, come and answer the door." My head clearing, it's dark outside; Joe's not home. I freeze on the third stair from the bottom, the phone and my hands drop to my side, and in my head I hear, "you are a widow".

SUDDENLY, adrenaline shots through me. I AM awake.  Many thoughts crowd my head.

• my poor children
• my grand babies
• how will I pay the bills
• I can't have a funeral--the house is in the destruction part of remodel
• a funeral
• unpacking
• where will I bury him

The knocking/pounding and door bell jolt me into the present.

In his highway patrol voice I hear Dave demand, "Open the door".

I weakly reply "No, I know what you are going to tell me".  I shrink.  If they can't find me they can't tell me.  If they can't tell me it's not real.

Dave says, "Answer the door ---everything will be okay".

The door opens, my world comes to an end, and in comes, my bishop, and my neighbors--Utah highway patrolman, Dave and his wife Joan. I walk over to Joan and lay my head on her shoulder. No one should have to look you in the eyes to deliver this news.  I feel very, very bad for them.  What a terrible thing to have to do. 

Be brave I tell my old self as I meet my new self.

I don't hear the words. I can't think. I want to run away, but my legs don't work. My voice asks if Joe had fallen asleep.

No.  The other driver was drunk.

Was it a young kid?

No.

Good.

Then, I remind them Joe is not really too late and he'll be home soon.  He'll take care of this mess.

It's about 5 am and I know I need to call Farrah before she goes to work. I tell the bishop I don't know how to reach Anthony.  He says he'll take care of that, then I wonder if it is any easier to reach an LDS missionary in Honduras for his father's death, because Mother's Day and Christmas it is nearly impossible to make contact.

I am down in my room and I find Farrah's name and hit send. A sleepy Farrah answers. When I tell her about the accident she screams the most gut retching sob imaginable.

Athena does not answer. Adam does not answer.

I have to call Farrah back and ask her to go to Athena's and tell them to answer the phone.

I tell Athena. They will get ready and come down. I tell them to be careful.

I call Lott's house. His mother answers the phone.

I tell her.

She sobs.

Next I call my dad. He asks if I need anything I tell him to go be with my girls.

I call my sister, her daughter Carlee answers, but goes back to sleep. I call her again and tell her it's important and to take the phone to her mom. I and tell her.

My last call is to Patty.  Suddenly, I don't believe what they have told me.

My world turns into a blur.  The color of my life fades.

Neighbors unwrap the couch, move the construction equipment, and set up the bunk beds for my children to sleep in.

I don't know where anything is.  I didn't know where anything was before, all of our possessions were still in boxes.

I just kept thinking, it will be okay when the girls get here.

I didn't worry about Anthony, I gently put him in Heavenly Father's hands.

So much was going on.  Then, while I stood in the guest bedroom, I took the phone in my hands and heard my sons voice, "Mom do you want me to come home?"  He had three months left, and they would let him come home and then return to the mission field if he wanted.  Finally he cried a whisper,  "I don't know what to do."

Seven years later, neither do I.

I keep looking back remembering, while the rest of the world lives and moves forward.

I miss him, and the grief and pain never end.

When I dream, he lives and all is well.  Then I awake,

and I don't know how to live without him.

Hummmmmmmmmmmm

It has been quite sometime since I have posted.

And, I have not posted very many times this year.

How boring!

As you are reading this, I guess you are expecting me to apologize and commit to do better--well, sorry dear  reader:

Surprise

 

It is what it is!

&

You get what you pay for!

But, grab your tissue and turn in tomorrow for a tear jerker--

yep, another anniversary!

Just as much as I love him, I miss him

The calendar, mirror, and society remind--no nag--me that I have survived, almost seven years, but as I sit wrapped up in his bathrobe it feels just like yesterday. The tears, swollen eyes, gut-wrenching sobs, and lump in my throat remind me, like an old BFF, that grief will be my companion the rest of my life.His last words to me were those he left on the answering machine, "I just called to to tell you I love you". I am glad I missed that call, otherwise I would not have that recording.

Good Quote...

‎"Don't you quit. You keep walking, you keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon, some come late. And some don't come til' heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be alright in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come." -Jeffrey R. Holland

Catch Up

So, here is what has been happening from most recent--pictures to follow someday!!!

• Sunday was Stake Conference and it was like watching Poltergeist the movie--the technology was not working very well.  Good thing I went to the Saturday evening session and was spiritually fed--no stuffed!  Good thing I had the new IPad so I could read.
• Saturday went to a wedding reception.  Good luck Smith newly-weds.
• Received a post card announcing Anthony and Katie are expecting.  Baby due February 29, 2012.  I am very excited and can hardly wait.  (Good thing Dad checks his mail!)     
• Went to Grace, Idaho with my Dad on a family history interview with my second cousin once removed.
•  September 4 would have been Joe's 50th birthday.  I got him an IPad.  I hope he likes it, because I am sure enjoying it.
• September 3  Joe's brother LaRonzo had a heart attack.  What a scare.  We are very glad he is doing well and thanks to everyone for their prayers.
• ROAD TRIP:  I went to Yellowstone with my BFF's Patty & Nanette.  Saw Old Faithful, buffalo grazing on the side of the road, bears, and wolfs.  We had a blast and as always I love traveling with them.
• Kaleb turned 1 years old. 
• Matthew and Trekker both lost their two front teeth and they both started second grade.
• Learned about Netflix and began watching reruns of  The Walton's because of the next item on the list:
• July and the first weeks of August I laid around while I passed two kidney stones.   (My Dad passed one during this time and another one last week--I'm thinking genetic!!!)  Needless to say I was laid up and did nothing, so I am very far behind.  I think that is why I did not feel good in June.  Who knew.  Here are the results of the unscientific study that was completed:  drinking water does NOT make you lose weight.  Two gallons of water a day for 4 weeks and I lost no weight, only two small stones.

In other news, Athena was called to be in the Primary Presidency (secretary) so I get to babysit every Monday while she attends presidency meeting.  It is very, Very, VERY fun to watch that new baby.

I am loving the Mormon Channel on the IPad.  It is very nice to listen to uplifting messages throughout the day.  Can't listen to the radio--love rock 'n roll but there are too many memories associated with the music.  A person can only listen to so much talk radio--like once a week is plenty.

I am still serving a Church Service Mission two days a week.  I am loving it and it was very good to be able to still do that while I was so sick.  I only missed one day.  This mission has been such a blessing in my life. I have learned so very much and it has given me an opportunity to be useful.

Lastly, need to buy a new lawn mower.  Who cares, me, because my yard has looked like crap this year.  Adam and Athena have mowed it several times while I was laid up, and I am still learning the fertilizing system, and it shows by the look of the multicolored greens and dead spots.  In fact, it almost looks camouflage!

Next I will try to get my pictures download!

P.S. CONGRATULATIONS to ANTHONY and KATIE
(This will make 3 grand babies in 18 months which = a very happy grandma)

9/ll



Thomas S. Monson,
photo by Scott G. Winterton, Deseret News

 "If there is a spiritual lesson to be learned from our experience of that fateful day, it may be that we owe to God the same faithfulness that He gives to us," President Monson wrote. "We should strive for steadiness, and for a commitment to God that does not ebb and flow with the years or the crises of our lives. It should not require tragedy for us to remember Him, and we should not be compelled to humility before giving Him our faith and trust. We too should be with Him in every season."

source:
To see full article and picture credit see the Deseret News at:
http://www.deseretnews.com/article/print/700177336/President-Monson-blogs-for-Washington-Posts-On-Faith-about-spiritual-lessons-of-911.html




Gordon B. Hinckley, picture source:
 http://lds.org/general-conference/2001/10/the-times-in-which-we-live?lang=eng

 President Hinckley said, "We are people of peace. We are followers of the Christ who was and is the Prince of Peace. But there are times when we must stand up for right and decency, for freedom and civilization, just as Moroni rallied his people in his day to the defense of their wives, their children, and the cause of liberty (see Alma 48:10)." 
Source:
The Times in Which We Live, Gordon B. Hinckley, October 2001 addresses, http://lds.org/general-conference/2001/10/the-times-in-which-we-live?lang=eng
picture source:  http://lds.org/general-conference/2001/10/the-times-in-which-we-live?lang=eng

 

Mr. K turned 1 this week

I cannot believe he is already one!  

We love that he is forever part of our family.

Miss Bella Button

She's growing like a weed and I just love holding her.

Quote

"Part
of Christ's mission is to heal broken hearts. He came to wipe away our
tears, not ensure that we would never weep." (Ensign, Jul 2011, pg
58.)

While reading the Ensign, I came upon this quote and thought I would post it here because it gave me a pause to reflect and think.  None of us can ever escape the pains and hurts of this life, and this quote reminds us that we are not here to escape our trials but with His help endure them while He wipes away our tears.

Wisdom

"Do not be weary in well-doing."

President Monson, Key of Faith, Ensign, Feb. 1994, page 7

Sleepovers

The past couple of weeks I have been able to have separate sleepovers with Trekker, Remington and Lilah.   Trekker and Remington were totally happy playing electronic games until late into the evening, eating junk food, drinking soda, and spending time alone with grandma. There were lots of hugging and silly conversations.

Trekker asked the best question, "Grandma, I have a really hard question for you, who created Heavenly Father"  after what I thought was a deeply spiritual and profound conversation he followed it up with the next question, "Why do dogs sniff each others' butts?"  Seven-year-old's! 

Remington was the bravest to sleep all by himself in the upstairs bedroom, and he is going to ask his parents, if he can come and live me so Santa will bring me Christmas presents.  (Guess he is still perplexed that Santa doesn't come to my house--if only I was on the "nice" list.)

Here is Lilah carrying her own suitcase for her sleepover:

(picture stolen/borrowed/swiped  from Athena's blog)

Here's what I've been up to (and it's not been blogging)

(Picture stolen from Athena's blog, because I have pictures of the dress but it looks better on the baby)

Yep, yep, yep, been busy crocheting this dress for the big blessing day this Sunday.  (Adam's mother, Charla, crocheted the bonnet, which will make a special keepsake for this sweetheart.)

I have also crocheted her a PINK afghan, and edged a PINK receiving blanket for her--no wonder I haven't been blogging!!!

Beautiful, before and after

Before:

Isn't she a beautiful mommy?  I seem to think so.

After

Kirabella Ashley

7 lb. 13 oz.

Welcome to our family

New Post Really?----not

Okay, so I haven't been posting lately on this blog, but I have been extremely busy.  A week ago Sunday a sweet friend gave me a new journal, so I decided to record how much time I am spending on genealogy and family history work.

Why did I chose to keep a journal on this, well because I have felt like there is so much to do and I just cannot keep up.

• Blogs:  Currently I have 11 blogs.  There is the main Roberts Roots and Branches Blog for my family history and research,  my personal blog for family and friends, the blogs for my 2nd great grand parents--Hugh and Margaret and then blogs for each of their nine children.  Some of these blogs I have only set up, and have not added any information.  Then last week I set up a new blog for the Frontier Miner disaster go check it out:  http://fronterminedisaster.blogspot.com/.
• Journal:  my personal handwritten journal is a way of recording my daily life, thoughts and feelings.
• Personal History:  I have a wonderful time line set up and have done hours and hours of work using a new program called Personal Historian.  Love the program.
• Family Newsletter:  Quarterly I write and publish a family newsletter for the decendants of my 2nd great grand parents.  The mailing list is 43 people.
• Research: Dig and find documents and sources to solve the mysteries and understand my ancestors.  This is my favorite and my passion.  I LOVE RESEARCH.  I LOVE OLD BOOKS AND LEDGERS. I LOVE OLD DOCUMENTS AND CEMETERIES!!!!
• Volunteer and missionary work:   Every Thursday and Saturday I serve as a Church Service Missionary at the Family History Library on the US and Canada floors.  (Thursday I work for 7 hours and on Saturdays I work for another 4 hours.)  In addition, I volunteer at the Eagle Mt. Family History Center once a month.

As you can see I do tons of things relating to genealogy.   Because I have been so focused on doing my research and keeping up with all of these other things regarding family history I decided to keep a work/research journal on my time and areas of research.

Last week I began the journal and by Sunday evening I was feeling much better about what I was doing and a little less hard on myself for what I was not getting done.  The total of hours for the week:

Pain

This is from Conference April 2011, and isn't it/ or is is ironic that I so needed this so soon after Conference.   "The Atonement Covers All Pain", by Kent F. Richard:

I have pondered about the purpose of pain. None of us is immune from experiencing pain. I have seen people cope with it very differently. Some turn away from God in anger, and others allow their suffering to bring them closer to God.

Like you, I have experienced pain myself. Pain is a gauge of the healing process. It often teaches us patience. Perhaps that is why we use the term patient in referring to the sick.

Elder Orson F. Whitney wrote: “No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility. … It is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire.” 

^{Here is the link to the whole talk:}   

^{http://lds.org/general-conference/2011/04/the-atonement-covers-all-pain?lang=eng}

Natasha needs your help

Here is a link for my family and friends to stay current on what is going on with Tasha and her family.  Please go to the blog that has been set up for her at:   http://cantkickthischick.blogspot.com/.

Good luck Tasha and family.  You are in our prayers and in our hearts.

Reality

It came in the mail.


I wasn't expecting it for another two months--but it's here staring me in the face.

May 10, 2011 my husbands killer gets out of prison.  According to our "judicial" system he has "paid" his debt to society.   Will he drink and drive again?








Here I sit pondering my reaction and I realize:
Forgiveness doesn't mean that I am not still angry. 
Forgiveness doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt every day.
Forgiveness doesn't mean that the tears don't regularly run freely.
Forgiveness doesn't mean that my heart is still broken in two.
Forgiveness doesn't mean that I miss his strong arms around me.
Forgiveness doesn't mean that I am not angry because my grand children don't know their grandpa.
Forgiveness doesn't mean that my husband's broken body doesn't still lie in the cemetery.

Forgiveness does mean that he is a son of Heavenly Father and because of our Savior's atoning sacrifice, he has the opportunity to be forgiven at the day of judgement.  Forgiveness means I will be standing there begging our Father and Savior to please forgive him and allow him his eternal progression, rather than the "eternal misery and gnashing of teeth." 

Forgiveness means that no matter the hurt, tears, broken heart, and anger, I feel for the pain he has caused me or my family,  I wish no ill or harm against him.  It means "all is well"  my brother.

Forgiveness means that I must rise against all hurt, pain and anger I feel and see that just like me he is a person who makes mistakes and deserves the atoning sacrifice of our Savior.

Forgiveness is like an onion, we deal with one layer at a time through our tears. 

So, officer I can explain

Off to get the truck inspected and registration renewed and this is the paper I am carrying in my truck, so if I get pulled over the officer can believe that I would never drive this beast without a reason.  How does this sound:

"So this is my proof that I am leaving home in thisDodge today so that I can go and get it inspected.  I am on my way to get the registration renewed and to get aninspection.  The reason I don’t have a “renewal”card is that I moved and the card never followed me despite my putting in the "change of address" at the post office and my filling out the "change of address" on my previous registration .  If you are reading this then you areprobably wondering why I am driving this stupid truck instead of my Beamer—thatis why it is past inspection and renewal—I would rather drive myBeamer!!!!  Have a nice day officer."

P.S. Vehicle registration and inspection were my husband's job.  So, are taxes.  Maybe the drunk who killed him should still have to take care of those two things for me.

What-ya-think????

Somedays are full of tears

There are some days that are just going to be filled with tears. 
Today is that kind of day.  
Tears for those who have recently completed their mission here on earth.
Tears for friends who are having to walk down difficult paths in this life.
And, tears for knowing that the Savior holds us in His hands when life is too painful.

Here's my heart and love to you and your families.

Happy Day!

Congrat's to Farrah & Bradden & Matthew & Kaleb.  

The adoption is final.  Now on to the the blessing and sealing!

(picture stolen/borrowed/swiped from Farrah's blog)

Teddy Bears

Who would have thought that a teddy bear would remind me of how much the grief still hurts?  When my sister gave me these sweet bears I gasped like I had been hit in the stomach.  Sweet Sister had Joe's shirts made into Teddy bears for me and my family.  Joe's shirts brought back too many painful memories of holding him and being in his arms.  I took the two opaque bags containing the bears out of the car and set them on the counter.  Just a peek and I began to cry, so I closed up the bag and left it alone.  The next morning, I again peeked in the bag and got a little teary.  Throughout the day as I passed the bag I thought, "am I strong enough now to take them out?"  The lump in my throat told me no.  Just before bed last night, I pulled the bears out of the bags and set them all on the counter, I then shed a few tears and went to bed.

Today I passed the bears, cried and went about my day.  I still haven't taken mine out of it's bag--it will probably take a few more days.  I am reminded of how this experience is to grief.  Just when I think I am doing okay, it hits me that it still hurts really bad.  It doesn't matter how strong I am or how much faith I have, when your best friend dies everyday is painful.  You cannot love someone and lose them and not feel the pain, nor can you love someone without feeling the joy that love brings.

Friday Night @ Arctic Circle

Met my sister at Arctic Circle and visited with my nephew and this cute little man...

that'll bring a smile to anyone's face!!!

Month 9-January 2011

These two pictures are from the Garden Restaurant, 10th floor at the Joseph Smith Memorial Building, where lunch is always great.  I just love the grilled cheese and tomato soup on a cold day.

Month 8-December

This is the little cabin behind the library.  They had it decorated with the cart out front and then the hanging lights to the right. 

Not so swell

I have the stupid flu and this is how I feel tonight--green!