Calculations

While I was getting my nails done, I glanced up at the clock.  I mentally calculate; I could be outta here by 12:15 and at the library by 12:30.  Good then I can research until 4:30; 4 hours research.  Then I see Oct. 5.  I automatically calculate again: I have 20 days to get Joe an anniversary gift. 

Maybe it was all the nail polish fumes.

Maybe it was the relaxing pedicure.

Maybe it was just for one brief minute I forgot.

My eyes saw the date "Oct 5" and my mind calculated.

Seriously!

How can one spend EVERY-SINGLE-DAY-AND-NIGHT for the past almost 8 years grieving and in one single unsuspecting second forget!?!?!

My calculations slap me in the face. . .

Suddenly I cannot run and hide anymore. . .

The lump in my throat is because it is October. . .
Then
it
will
be
November!

As I sat in church yesterday, I wanted to bolt...now there is an "old-familiar-never-want-to-experience-again" feeling! 
Yep, it's that time of the year!

Three recent deaths and a funeral; and here I thought I was doing alright--until that darn clock!

Welcome crisp weather, beautiful leaves, and tears!

Normal?

Sunday I traveled with the Nieman family down to EC to visit the cemetery.  It was a beautiful day with a beautiful family, but regardless it was soooooo painful.

I glanced around the cemetery as three if the children were running around with butterfly nets,while the baby was climbing over the headstone.  The adults were washing and cleaning up the headstone.  I stop and look around and in my mind I scream, How did I get here?  How can life be so fragile and short? How can I live without him.  How does this trip to visit Papa 's grave become a family event?  Everyone poses for pictures around the grave.  How and why?

When I hear little one-year-old Bella Button jabber and say the name Papa as she looks at something no one else can see, and I realize it IS all real and all because we love and miss this beautiful and wonderful man.

Car Accidents

Yep, the BMW was crunched again.
Second time in 5 months.
Seriously annoying.
Neither was my fault, both times I was hit from behind.

The second accident happened and the poor lady that hit me was so shook up.  She was having a tough day to begin with and I felt really bad for her.  After she hit me, she called her husband and he came to the accident scene.  My son-in-law offered to come, but I told him I was okay and I didn't really need him.

I found myself telling this young woman, that this  bumper smash was just a bump in the road of life.  She had insurance, wasn't drinking, no one died, no one was hurt, and didn't hit me and run, so really this was in essence no big deal in the whole scheme of things.

That
is
pretty
sad,
when you look at a car accident with that criteria!

Now, the BMW is all put back together and looking just fine.
(I must admit both insurance companies I have had to work with have been great--thank goodness.)

The Dishes Gotta Get Clean!

Don’t get me wrong, I love nature and the environment and I appreciate and respect the fact that I cannot just go around desecrating what God has created for us.  I realize how fragile the environment is ----HOWEVER, yep, however…sometimes in people’s quest to MAKE everyone comply and to conform to their beliefs there ends up being unintended consequences, in this case, extra water and chemical use.

I am so irritated about the dishwasher detergent phosphate ban!

What once used to be a simple task, throwing my dishes in the dishwasher has now become a nightmare!

When I run my dishwasher, I currently use both cups full of detergent, Jet Dry, Lemi’ Shine and a cup of vinegar on the top shelf.  The dishes that get clean look like crap with white hard water deposit powered substance covering every single dish.

Seriously, we are not allowed phosphates so we get this!

How eco-friendly is my having to pre-wash AND wash AND re-wash every single dish I use?  I used to run my dishwasher once a week and maybe do a quarter of a sink of dishes twice during that week.  I am now running my dishwasher once a week, doing three full loads of dishes, pre-washing, and re-washing every single dish I put in the dishwasher.  Explain how that is more environmentally friendly than the old dishwasher detergent?

Yep, go you environmentalists!

Here is what I propose, I save the environment and conserve in my OWN way and I’ll allow you to do the same.  Keep the articles, the studies, and the research coming because I want to be informed and I want to know of ways that I can help out, however, quit taking away my choices, because YOU THINK YOU KNOW WHAT IS BEST FOR EVERYONE. 

After reading the reasons phosphates were removed from dish washing detergent, I have decided to quit using fertilizer on my plants and in my yard and, I will opt to use manure instead.  According to the articles that I have read, fertilizers also contribute to the damaging environmental effect on waterways.  So, now GIVE ME BACK my dish detergent!

 Don’t even get me started on the new light bulbs!

Sources:

 http://www.nytimes.com/2010/09/19/science/earth/19clean.html

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/greenhouse/post/2010/06/16-states-ban-phosphate-laden-dishwasher-soap/1

http://www.cleaninginstitute.org/clean_living/faqs_phosphate_and_dishwasher_detergent.aspx

http://www.ksl.com/?nid=172&sid=12598586

http://www.ksl.com/?sid=21697644&nid=1010&title=diy-dishwasher-detergent-recipes-put-to-the-test&s_cid=queue-10

It's coming...

In October I decided to grow out my hair including the grey.  That was not the smartest time-period to make a decision-- hiding under the covers during the two week period of your anniversary and your husband's deathaversary! (There were other life altering decisions I made that week, but none so noticeable!)

So almost 10 months later I look like a calico cat!  There's the dark brown that my hair was originally colored.  Then there is the blonde that the hairdresser told me "would help grow out the grey."  Next there is the original brown color of my hair and finally there is the ultimate grey!  Yep calico!

The reason I'm growing out my hair is I that I like life on my own terms.  Because of the various autoimmune stuff going on, I have scalp problems every now and then, and I'm afraid that one of these days I won't have the ability to make the decision.  So, I thought I would make the choice while I was still able to make it.

One comment I get is, "why are you letting it go grey, you're not that old." 
Yep I am. 
If I can naturally grow grey, then I am that old. 

I have decided that in order to go grey you have to be pretty secure with who you are and where you stand in society.  You have to withstand all of the comments and stares.  Widowhood is the same, you have to withstand all the comments and the stares.  Going grey you have to withstand society's view of "old" and "grey" and "mature" and it is even more intimidating when you are already a widow which also conjures up those same descriptions. Double whammy!

The next response from the crowd is, "I want to go white, you know that really pretty white."  My response is how do you think you get to white--G-R-E-Y!

You  can chose to color or not to color, but you cannot chose between grey and white!  Seriously, if that were the case then all the "salt & peppers" and "dingy grey's" would also be white!

With my approaching birthday I feel old enough to match the grey and the number.  It is funny how widowhood will age you---the wrinkles, stress, anxiety, loneliness, tears, carrying a hankie and regular visits to the cemetery do not add to one's youth!

Joe will always be 43 years old, I have aged and another one is coming and it's a biggie.


But what's a girl to do???
Go grey!!!!
Yay!!!!

Enough ranting about the big birthday and the hair color decision.  It is too late now to turn back on either!

The shoe

A pair of shoes is useful.  

A comfortable pair of shoes keeps your feet dry, protects from the rocks and thorns, and supports your body as you move through life.

A single shoe is useless and out of place.  You cannot adjust or adapt to a single shoe. You cannot hop through life on one foot, just because you have lost a shoe. 

                                       
I feel like the single shoe.  I miss the pair I used to be.  I cannot function as the best me without the other shoe.

I worked very hard for 24 years to be part of a pair, now I feel like the cast off missing its mate--in good condition, but impractical without a mate. I’m hopping through life trying to make being “one” and “single” work, but it is lonely and I just don’t fit in. 

No one walks into the closet and reminds me I'm not part of a pair, but I see and live it every single day.  I sit by myself, I eat by myself, I drive by myself, I watch television by myself, and I sleep by myself. 

I feel like half of me is missing; I feel out of sorts in a world of two footed people, I'm a single shoe, trying to be useful and fit in, but seriously, how comfortable can one be as a single shoe?

Dear Blogger,
HATE THE NEW DASHBOARD VIEW!
I would love to send you an email, but I cannot find a button, in fact I cannot find ANYTHING!  Thank you for screwing up an easy to use program.
Thank you for moving everything all at once, makes it so much easier for users, rather than just changing things one at a time.  I get that you need to update for whatever computer/software reasons, however do you really have to do it all at once?
Sincerely,
a blogger

In other news. . .

Just hear me out for one second.  This is what I have been dealing with this week:

• broken water lines
• plumbers and more plumbers
• insurance companies regarding auto accident
• taxes
• computer virus'
• stolen credit card number & various charges

Can I get a big "BOOOOOOWHOOOOOOO"?
Thank you!
When it rains it pours, and I know that everyone has to deal with this kind of crap, and I know I have it better than many, but worse than others.  Not really trying to complain or get sympathy (alright sympathy welcomed) just needed to let the world know to BACK OFF!!!

This is when I really need to remember the quote from President Monson, "don't be weary in well doing" because it is times like this I want to put up my dukes and fight it out.  "Well doing" for me is being diplomatic, patient, and understanding; it's not my nature but I'm trying.

Thanks for listening peeps and I sincerely hope your week is going better.

Things I'm grateful for:
1.  New grandson about to be born
2.  My oldest daughter for coming through for me
3.  Through all of this, being strong enough to still not cry 

Tired. . .

Don't know which is more difficult; 
dealing with the pain of loss, 
or dealing with the crap that remains!

Whaaaaaaaaaaah

Yep, it is whining time. Been in bed since Saturday, and I'm tired of being here. My head hurts, I'm tired, dizzy, and every now and again I get the chills. So, I'm not deathly ill, I'm well enough I wanna get up and get something done! Besides I've cleaned off the DVR watching my stash of recorded programs!

Here's the problem, there is no one here for sympathy and I've not seen anyone for days! I've decided sympathy when you are ill goes a very long ways!

Nope don't need anything, because I've learned to keep on hand:
Cold medicine
Niquil
Ginger ale
Pepto
Soup & crackers
Tissues
Aspirin/Tylenol
Cough drops

I HATE having to go to the store when I'm sick, or having to ask someone. So, I just keep that stuff on hand so I'm prepared.




So, there really isn't too much going on here, however, Farrah and Bradden find out today if I should make pink or blue blankets for their little bun-in-the-oven! Very excited!

12 Days of Widowhood

Day 1--Everyone is there for you:  friends, family, in-laws, funeral directors, church members, ecclesiastical leaders, attorneys, neighbors, friends of friends, cousins of cousins, co-workers of your spouse, everyone for one reason or another.

Day 2--Paperwork and logistics of it all--banks, credit unions, utilities, car titles, life insurance, medical insurance, cell  phone companies, etc.  FYI just because one business adjusted/fixed/updated records easily, doesn't mean the next business will do the same.  They all have rules and regulations.  Seriously?!?

Day 3--Calls & mail.  No one has got the message he's dead, even if they paid out on his death, or closed his account.  And, no one from one department passes that death information on to the next department.  So, lucky-grieving-widow gets to do that.  Of course they over apologize like that will make their stupid phone call disappear from your memory.

Day 4--Friends.  Your husbands friends are gone, because they either don't care or it is too painful for them to see you and be a reminded of their loss.  Your friends are iffy.

Day 5--Family.  You look well you must be doing okay.  Your in-laws are suffering in their grief too, which sometimes does not include you, or if it includes you it is now in a different way.

Day 6--The vultures are waiting for you.  Repairmen, attorneys, family--yep with their hands out, and even some friends.

Day 7--Life insurance/insurance--Jump through the hoops and we'll mail you a check.  Beware.  They might want their money back!  Seriously?  Yep being over paid is common; or I seem to know a lot of widows who are the rarity.  I was contacted FOUR years after the fact asking to return hundreds of dollars!  A friend was over paid tens of thousands of dollars and had to send back the overpayment amount.  You would think that this would be one area in life where accuracy was very important.  Kinda like surgery, some things you just can't take back.

Day 8--Call me...A new widow cannot even crawl out of bed some days and your waiting for her call, seriously?  You can dial 7 numbers to find out how I am or I, who just buried my husband can dial 7 numbers to tell you how I am.  Hummmm.  And, if I do call, what exactly can you do?  Call me if you need anything; can you bring him back?  Can you make the pain end?  Can you further along the grief process?  What exactly should I call you for?

Day 9--Gawkers--They just want to know if your going to move, remarry, lose your mind, and how much life insurance did you get.  They are there only to watch the train wreck.  Luckily, they will soon move on the the next event.

Day 10--Family.  Finally those family members teetering on the edge from Day 5 will let go and move on only to contact you on holidays and when mandatory announcements need to be made:  births, weddings, deaths and illnesses.

Day 11--Friends. Finally those friends teetering on the edge from Day 4 will let go and move on only to speak to you when you run into them in the community.

Day 12--All that are left are those TRUE friends, family, and neighbors who can handle helplessly watching your pain and grief.  These are the angles who God sends.  These are they who will hold your hand and dry your tears. These angles will reach out to you expecting nothing in return.  These are angles who remember you when their lives are busy, busy busy.   These are the home and visiting teachers who actually stop by and visit.  These are the people in your life who actually pick up the phone and call.  These are the people who Mosiah speaks about:  mourn with those who mourn.

(Note:  this post is not meant to blame anyone, the intent is  rather to warn the new widow on the road of grief, and maybe give perspective to those who know a widow.  After all, widows are walking down this new road, and similarly, their friends, family and acquaintances are also walking down an unfamiliar road.)

Imagine. . .

Kemmerer Camera, 21 December 1907

Can you imagine to "teach the future mother how to dress the future child."  Maybe that is why those silly teenage boys wear their pants with-their-undies-hanging-out; their mothers didn't get to practice!  Better idea; we should give those boys with their undies-hanging-out-of-their-pants their own dolls to practice with, maybe that's the problem! ! !  1907 they had the answer!

Kemmerer Republican, 22 December 1916

Does #2 really say "if you must have snow use...asbestos fibre".  NOT a good idea! Does #3 really say "do not let children light or re-light candles WHILE PARENTS ARE NOT PRESENT"?  NO!  It's a wonder any of us are here if these basics needed to be printed!!!  And, duh it does say, "Electrical illumination is safer"!!!  Yep, yep, yep!

Just a little side tracked while researching old newspapers!!!!

It’s all an attitude of gratitude

I am thankful for my family, blessings, friends, and my testimony.

As I have listened and read others “thankful” lists, I get crazy-twisted when I read or hear, “I am thankful for trials.” 

Really?

Seriously?

Then there are those who profess, “I pray for trials so I may grow.”

Really?

Seriously?

My last seven-year-trial has been the death of Joe and I AM NOT grateful for this trial. 

I am not grateful that:

I crawl into an empty bed every night

Wake up alone every morning

When my grandchildren visit grandpa, they go to the cemetery

None, not one single grandchild will ever go fishing with Joe

Everyday I cry because I miss him so much

I have to go to the temple alone—and, he’s not waiting in the celestial room

I go to church alone

I celebrate my anniversary alone

I have had to learn how to fix a sprinkler system

I know how to move heavy things

I know how to use all the power tools I own

I can back up the RV into a parking spot

I have to keep his memory alive or  people will forget him

I have to deal with family, financial and world problems alone

So, choose your words wisely, ARE you really grateful for your trials, or you just haven’t got the big one yet?

(PS:  even if I choose to look at the "glass half full" it 's still the same--half empty!)

Addiction

Hi, my name is Janet and

picture from here

I am addicted to my

Ipad!

• It sleeps next to me

• It adapts to my mood. 

If I am:
happy--it keeps me happy
sick—it soothes me by taking my mind off of my affliction
lonely—it helps me reach out to others through FaceBook, emails, blogs, & FaceTime
sad—it can brighten my mood by watching YouTube, or reading uplifting things
grieving—I can read and search about grief to know I am not alone
bored—it entertains me--Yea Netflix!!!
perplexed—I can instantly Google and answer any question I have
ornery--I can read my scriptures or listen to hymns!
creative--I can use paint on my pictures or I can list my ideas

• I love to read on it:

I don’t need to worry about lighting, because it adapts.
I don’t need to worry about glasses because it adjusts.
I don’t need to carry a book with me; it’s self contained with several choices!
Its my all-in-one:  my scriptures, magazines, notebook, journal, phone book, music, and link to news.

• New purse, it has to fit the Ipad

Yep, yes-sireee,
I am addicted, and
nope, no-sireee,
I am not ready to give it up!


Disclaimer:  Nope, I am not getting paid for this endorsement!  ~I just love it~



Hummmmmmmmmmmm

It has been quite sometime since I have posted.

And, I have not posted very many times this year.

How boring!

As you are reading this, I guess you are expecting me to apologize and commit to do better--well, sorry dear  reader:

Surprise

 

It is what it is!

&

You get what you pay for!

But, grab your tissue and turn in tomorrow for a tear jerker--

yep, another anniversary!

Reality

It came in the mail.


I wasn't expecting it for another two months--but it's here staring me in the face.

May 10, 2011 my husbands killer gets out of prison.  According to our "judicial" system he has "paid" his debt to society.   Will he drink and drive again?








Here I sit pondering my reaction and I realize:
Forgiveness doesn't mean that I am not still angry. 
Forgiveness doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt every day.
Forgiveness doesn't mean that the tears don't regularly run freely.
Forgiveness doesn't mean that my heart is still broken in two.
Forgiveness doesn't mean that I miss his strong arms around me.
Forgiveness doesn't mean that I am not angry because my grand children don't know their grandpa.
Forgiveness doesn't mean that my husband's broken body doesn't still lie in the cemetery.

Forgiveness does mean that he is a son of Heavenly Father and because of our Savior's atoning sacrifice, he has the opportunity to be forgiven at the day of judgement.  Forgiveness means I will be standing there begging our Father and Savior to please forgive him and allow him his eternal progression, rather than the "eternal misery and gnashing of teeth." 

Forgiveness means that no matter the hurt, tears, broken heart, and anger, I feel for the pain he has caused me or my family,  I wish no ill or harm against him.  It means "all is well"  my brother.

Forgiveness means that I must rise against all hurt, pain and anger I feel and see that just like me he is a person who makes mistakes and deserves the atoning sacrifice of our Savior.

Forgiveness is like an onion, we deal with one layer at a time through our tears. 

So, officer I can explain

Off to get the truck inspected and registration renewed and this is the paper I am carrying in my truck, so if I get pulled over the officer can believe that I would never drive this beast without a reason.  How does this sound:

"So this is my proof that I am leaving home in thisDodge today so that I can go and get it inspected.  I am on my way to get the registration renewed and to get aninspection.  The reason I don’t have a “renewal”card is that I moved and the card never followed me despite my putting in the "change of address" at the post office and my filling out the "change of address" on my previous registration .  If you are reading this then you areprobably wondering why I am driving this stupid truck instead of my Beamer—thatis why it is past inspection and renewal—I would rather drive myBeamer!!!!  Have a nice day officer."

P.S. Vehicle registration and inspection were my husband's job.  So, are taxes.  Maybe the drunk who killed him should still have to take care of those two things for me.

What-ya-think????

Not so swell

I have the stupid flu and this is how I feel tonight--green!

Fortunes

I just added another fortune 

to my fortune cookie sayings

(on the right hand side under the pics and quotes)

and I suddenly realized

 

Everyone will now know how much I eat Chinese take out! ! !

 

New Camera

I had to buy a new camera.  I went into the store and pulled out my old camera and explained that I wanted the same model.  The salesman told me that my camera was not made anymore, but now there are "better" ones with sharper pictures.  When I sighed, he asked, "what do you like about that camera."  Immediately I replied, "I know how to use it."  And you know what--that is what I LOVE about my old camera, I know how to use it.  

So, after a couple of attempts, here are my pictures.

They are from last winter down in Orangeville during a snow storm.  I would love to show new pictures from my new camera--it has more pixels and a better zoom.

But, I can't figure it out.