Loss

I didn't just lose the man I loved,
I also lost an easier life.

I lost a someone to share my history and memories with.

I lost someone who shared and cared about my dreams, goals, and life.

I lost my best friend.

I lost my love.

I lost my life.  Living will never be the same.  Life will never be the same.  I will never be the same.

In some ways I am better,
In some ways I am stronger,
In some ways I have more peace.

Alone. . .and. . .Loneliness. . .

Not everyone can be alone.
Not everyone can live alone.
Not everyone can live in the quiet silence.

I have realized it requires a type of maturity and a self acceptance to live and be alone.
It takes courage and strength to wake up and go to bed alone.

Being alone forces one to examine who they are, why they are, and how they live.
Being alone forces a person to support, encourage, and endure themselves!

Sometimes it is easier to lose our selves in doing for others, rather than examine who we are and taking care of oneself.  

And yes, it is different living alone and being apart.  Living alone, no one ever comes home, as opposed to being apart, they will eventually come home!  Eventually coming home, is only a separation with an end; living alone is permanent, no end in sight.

Being alone and loneliness are two different things...
You can be lonely in a crowd, and you can be alone and not lonely!

The shoe

A pair of shoes is useful.  

A comfortable pair of shoes keeps your feet dry, protects from the rocks and thorns, and supports your body as you move through life.

A single shoe is useless and out of place.  You cannot adjust or adapt to a single shoe. You cannot hop through life on one foot, just because you have lost a shoe. 

                                       
I feel like the single shoe.  I miss the pair I used to be.  I cannot function as the best me without the other shoe.

I worked very hard for 24 years to be part of a pair, now I feel like the cast off missing its mate--in good condition, but impractical without a mate. I’m hopping through life trying to make being “one” and “single” work, but it is lonely and I just don’t fit in. 

No one walks into the closet and reminds me I'm not part of a pair, but I see and live it every single day.  I sit by myself, I eat by myself, I drive by myself, I watch television by myself, and I sleep by myself. 

I feel like half of me is missing; I feel out of sorts in a world of two footed people, I'm a single shoe, trying to be useful and fit in, but seriously, how comfortable can one be as a single shoe?

Numbers

7 years, 5 months, 17 days

389 weeks

2,725 days

65,400 hours

235,440 seconds

3,924,000 minutes

Some days it feels like day 1 all over again.

Christmas Decorating

Last night we trimmed the tree, carefully placed our beloved Christmas decorations around the house while Christmas music and the peppermint candle filled the air.  Afterwards, we sipped hot cocoa in the dark and watched the Christmas lights twinkle with the merriment of the season.

NOT

It has taken me two weeks to drag up a few containers and place a few things around the house.  I tripped over the plastic totes and grumbled over having to decorate.  

Finally yesterday while bawling like a baby,  I took a Xanax and was able to get through the tears, and memories, and I finished putting up the tree and decorating it.

I guess the Christmas decorating tears are for missing what used to be.  Everything I pulled out reminded me of Joe or the children, and there is some sadness because I miss that season of my life.  It was fun and it was a blast, and stressful and busy.  I miss the excitement and the wonderment of the season, but I am in a new season now and although it is not one I choose, I am here and it's not bad--just a little lonely. 

I think the writers block I have suffered since the spring and summer has lifted.  I know now you are all thinking, "help, she won't shut up."  

Can you imagine something being so painful that it would prevent you from doing something you enjoyed and loved.  Who would have thought that it would take 7 years to finally be able to put pen to paper.  Grief is an unpredictable road to travel and hopefully none of you will have to experience it.  


Things I am grateful for:
1.  While Christmas decorating no one fought.
2.  The tree didn't fall over
3.  The tree wasn't taller than the ceiling
4.  The lights worked before and after they were put on the tree.
5.  I have good memories of past Christmas' to miss.

Surrender

Where you once stood;
now stands my new mate.


When I sleep;
I am not alone.

I wake up;
He's faithfully there.


I long for your arms;
but I am smothered by his grip.


We have dinner together;
and attend social functions arm in arm.


We go grocery shopping,
and travel together.


We spend evenings watching television;
and eat meals together.

The silence;
no longer unsettling.

Finally, comfortable,
in each others' company.


The space you once occupied,
is not empty;


But rather there's a new spouse.
Grief.


He's here to stay;
like an unavoidable appendage.


By my side during holidays,
and anniversaries.


I surrender,
what I cannot change.


Grief;
my spouse
who
moved
in
and took your place.

It’s all an attitude of gratitude

I am thankful for my family, blessings, friends, and my testimony.

As I have listened and read others “thankful” lists, I get crazy-twisted when I read or hear, “I am thankful for trials.” 

Really?

Seriously?

Then there are those who profess, “I pray for trials so I may grow.”

Really?

Seriously?

My last seven-year-trial has been the death of Joe and I AM NOT grateful for this trial. 

I am not grateful that:

I crawl into an empty bed every night

Wake up alone every morning

When my grandchildren visit grandpa, they go to the cemetery

None, not one single grandchild will ever go fishing with Joe

Everyday I cry because I miss him so much

I have to go to the temple alone—and, he’s not waiting in the celestial room

I go to church alone

I celebrate my anniversary alone

I have had to learn how to fix a sprinkler system

I know how to move heavy things

I know how to use all the power tools I own

I can back up the RV into a parking spot

I have to keep his memory alive or  people will forget him

I have to deal with family, financial and world problems alone

So, choose your words wisely, ARE you really grateful for your trials, or you just haven’t got the big one yet?

(PS:  even if I choose to look at the "glass half full" it 's still the same--half empty!)

Tagalong:

one that persistently and often annoyingly follows the lead of another.

Yep, after 7 years I feel persistent and yep, I find it very annoying.  

 By default, I am the definition of “tag-a-long”.  I don’t set out to be a tagalong, I don’t fantasize how to be a tagalong.  I don’t want to be a tag along.  

 It’s my position in society by default.

At Thanksgiving dinner, family get-togethers, dinner with friends, weddings, restaurants, movies, vacations and all other social activities:  I either go “stag” or I “tagalong.”

Over the past seven years, it has begun to chip at the strength I am able to muster.

I find it more difficult every year that passes to continue to motivate myself to go stag or tagalong.

I cannot do it anymore.  I am tired.  Too tired to walk into one more room, situation, meeting, or business alone.  I am tired of meeting people by myself and then having to explain; being discriminated by the carpool lane; I am exhausted of standing in line alone and I am tired of sitting alone.  I am tired of the lonely ride home to an empty house.

I am annoyed that the world continues to live and move forward, while I, once again, just tag along.

But most of all I am tired of PRETENDING I am okay with being alone.

I am not.