Here's What. . .

In January I began working at a big box store...and I loved it.  I signed up to work 20-25 hours a week, which is what I worked the first month.  I enjoyed NOT spending my evenings home alone.  I enjoyed feeling well enough to have a little side job.  I continued to serve at the Library two days a week, and although I was busy I was determined to serve at the Library until May, which would give me a full five years of service.

The store where I was working increased my hours, because they were short-handed.  Suddenly I was working between 30 and 35 hours a week and volunteering at the Library 12 hours.  I was Thursday's where I would volunteer at the Library, and on Saturdays I worked my shift at the Library and a shift at the store.  Sundays, my only day off, I was exhausted but oh, it felt good!

I was driving home one a Saturday night after working my usual shift at the Library and working my shift at the store.  It was about 11:30 and I was tired, it was a good tired, the result of working 35 hours and volunteering 12 hours for the week.  Suddenly I was reminded of the Priesthood blessings Joe used to give me.  Two things were always consistent with those blessings, fist I would feel buoyed up enough to endure the pain and illness and secondly I was always promised I would be healed.   I never thought much about the promise to be healed after the blessings themselves, but that Saturday evening I knew because of my faith I had finally been healed. . .over 15 years later...and I suddenly felt the love of my husband who had given me those blessings from my Heavenly Father who had healed me.   I finished driving home with tears of joy running down my cheeks.

On Friday, the day before my last day at the Library, I was offered a full-time job with complete benefits.  I accepted the offer and have been working full-time, just over a month.

Physically I am doing so well.  I am gaining strength everyday and my endurance is improving.  Yes, I still have some problems and pain, but I can feel the healing within me and I am feeling better than I have for the last 15 years!

My last day at the Library was May 2, where I was asked to bear my testimony at my final prayer meeting.  Tomorrow I report to the High Council and speak in church, thus closing that sweet treasured chapter of my life.

Everyday when my alarm goes off I remind myself how blessed I am to wake up and go to work.  When I want to stay in bed I am reminded of being confined to bed day after day.  When out-of-town family came to stay and I still had to work everyday, I was glad that for 10 years I didn't have to work.

As I drive to work everyday I look at the others drivers on their way to work and I wonder, "do they know how blessed they are to be able to go to work everyday?"

My first complete week of work, I got home Friday evening and was so excited it was Friday...because I was blessed enough to work the full week and have a weekend!

Yesterday was payday, I am blessed!

Today, I washed my car and went grocery shopping, typical Saturday activities for full-time employees, I am blessed!

busy.  I was healthy enough to physically keep up with this schedule, and this brought me great happiness.   I worked everyday, but

My Favorite...

I just finished a personal assessment test that asked:  what is your favorite color?

In most aspects of my life I am very opinionated and know what I want.  When eating out, I generally have an idea of what I'm in the mood for.  Choosing clothes, buying a house or a car, or even painting a wall I know what I do or don't like!  Overall, choices don't leave me in a quandary...that is until I am asked:  what is your favorite color!

My answer is this:
My favorite color is green--the green of a Crayola crayon, the green of freshly mowed summer grass, and the green of pine needles on the Christmas tree.
My favorite color is yellow--bright yellow walls, curtains and daffodils.
I love blue--the blue of the sky, the blues of a lake and the blues of my grand babies eyes!
I love the color black:  the classic look of a black skirt and black jacket, the shine of onyx and black marble, the distinguished look of Joe's black casket, and the black keys on the piano.
I love red:  Christmas red.  I love cranberry red nail polish, and the deep red color of beets and strawberries.
My favorite color is deep purple and light purple.  The purple of violets, lilacs, and petunias.  I love purple found in flowers and in water colors.
I love white--temple white and it's symbolic meaning.  I love fresh white snowfall and white clouds.
I like brown--deep chocolate as in the color and as in the taste!  I like deep rich brown cake and fudge frosting.  I like deep rich brown dirt and brown bark on a tree.
My favorite is the orange of pumpkins, pumpkin pie, oranges and fat little goldfish.

I also like bright turquoise, pink (light, dark and hot), deep coral, and lime green.
I like the syrupy look of topaz, the yummy richness of black cherry and the red/orange of desert sandstone.

So, what is my favorite color?  I just don't have one, but rather all colors are my favorite!

Right around the corner is here...

a couple of months early!
Yep, it is that time of the year, the grief shrouded days of September, October, November and December.   September begins with Joe's birthday, our anniversary in October, his death anniversary in November, followed by Thanksgiving and Christmas (just holiday reminders of being alone)!

It seemed to start a little earlier this year, like in July, around my birthday.  The thoughts began with turning the big 50…

then they went down the road of Joe will never be older than 43 and he’ll never know 50…

then the thoughts turned to what have I done with the “extra” 8 years Joe never got?...

Have I used those years wisely?. . .

Then the thoughts focused on what he has missed in the 8 years:  the birth of 6 grandchildren, the marriage of his son, the baptism of our two oldest grandsons, the sunsets and sunrises, the laughter and joy of life…

and he was missing in our family pictures!

In August during Farrah’s and Athena’s birthdays I especially missed recounting their births and the beautiful women they have grown into.  He would be so proud of them.

So as Joe’s birthday approaches in September, I’m already beginning from a lower step on the grief staircase…Let’s just hope deathaversary #8 will be easier, heaven only knows I’m stronger!

I need to remember this every day

"It isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is.  It all works out.  Don't worry.  I say that to myself every morning.  It will all work out.  If you do your best, it will all work out.  Put your trust in God and move forward with faith and confidence in the future.  The Lord will not forsake us,... if we put our trust in Him, if we pray to Him, if we live worthy of His blessings, He will hear our prayers."
--Gordon B. Hinckley, 15th President, Served:  1995-2008.  

10 Things I Learned...

from being a Mom. (in no particular order!)
1. You can't "make" a two-year-old do anything!
2. You can't "make" a teenager do anything.
3. It is possible for three children to bathe and yet the soap is dry, but the floor is wet!
4. Someone always spills their milk at dinner!
5. Big children, BIG problems!
6. When they grow up and move out, you miss it all!
7. You can never snuggle a child enough!
8. Clean bedrooms don't matter, just close the door!
9. When they grow up to be incredibly wonderful people, it is ALL worth it!
10. Turns out they can hear you; they are just not listening!

I miss my "children" but I love watching them create and live their own lives. They are doing terrific at being adults and I learn so much from them.

I am grateful for my sweet children and their families!

The Church is Scaffolding for our Lives

"I believe that more than anything else this is because the Church is the scaffolding for both our families and professional lives. … I know scaffolding allows me to reach heights I could not reach otherwise, and do things I could not otherwise reach. ... If we stay firmly centered on the scaffolding of the Church we remain safe and protected. ..."


(Elder L. Tom Perry of the Quorum of the Twelve, The Church is Scaffolding for our Lives, LDS Church News, Friday, 27 January 2012.)

As I read this article, I thought about how the "scaffolding allows me to reach heights I could not reach otherwise, and do things I could not otherwise reach." Four major events in my life came to my mind as I read this article; two events I selected and two events selected me. The two I selected are marriage and motherhood. These two life events have formed and shaped my life. They taught me things I needed to learn and gave me blessings beyond wonderful. However, I found both of these life events were easier, more rewarding, and I was better at them, with the Lord by my side.


The other two life-changing events that selected me were Relief Society President and widow. I chose neither of these two events, however they have allowed me to "reach heights I could not reach otherwise and do things I could not otherwise" do. The scaffolding of the Gospel has given me the tools I have needed to get through these two life changing experiences that found me on my knees several times a day. I am able to do things I never thought possible and these positive changes have become a permanent part of a better me. I cannot imagine doing either without the Lord; luckily you don’t have to serve as an auxiliary president without the Lord, however widowhood, calls weather you are have the Lord in your life or not!


Because widowhood can be such a dark, dreary, and scary road to travel down alone, I cling to that promise that Elder Perry gave, “If we stay firmly centered on the scaffolding of the Church we remain safe and protected. ...”.

Have a happy peaceful Sunday peeps.

Christmas Decorating

Last night we trimmed the tree, carefully placed our beloved Christmas decorations around the house while Christmas music and the peppermint candle filled the air.  Afterwards, we sipped hot cocoa in the dark and watched the Christmas lights twinkle with the merriment of the season.

NOT

It has taken me two weeks to drag up a few containers and place a few things around the house.  I tripped over the plastic totes and grumbled over having to decorate.  

Finally yesterday while bawling like a baby,  I took a Xanax and was able to get through the tears, and memories, and I finished putting up the tree and decorating it.

I guess the Christmas decorating tears are for missing what used to be.  Everything I pulled out reminded me of Joe or the children, and there is some sadness because I miss that season of my life.  It was fun and it was a blast, and stressful and busy.  I miss the excitement and the wonderment of the season, but I am in a new season now and although it is not one I choose, I am here and it's not bad--just a little lonely. 

I think the writers block I have suffered since the spring and summer has lifted.  I know now you are all thinking, "help, she won't shut up."  

Can you imagine something being so painful that it would prevent you from doing something you enjoyed and loved.  Who would have thought that it would take 7 years to finally be able to put pen to paper.  Grief is an unpredictable road to travel and hopefully none of you will have to experience it.  


Things I am grateful for:
1.  While Christmas decorating no one fought.
2.  The tree didn't fall over
3.  The tree wasn't taller than the ceiling
4.  The lights worked before and after they were put on the tree.
5.  I have good memories of past Christmas' to miss.