Thankful for. . .

knowing he loved me.

This morning as I have thought about my many blessings I am reminded of an event that took place at the cemetery.

I was at the cemetery visiting Joe's grave, when I saw a newly-widowed friend.  After a few minutes, I walked over to this friend.  We shared the difficulties of being widowed and the harshness of death, when she suddenly and sadly said to me, "At least you knew that Joe loved you.  I never knew for sure he loved me."

Yes, I knew Joe loved me and I am so thankful that I was able to experience the best and most special love that can exist between two people.  A love that included friendship and respect.  A sacred love that reaches through death and lives eternally.

I am grateful that I worked at our relationship, that I respected our relationship and that I endured to the end; because now I have the sweet memories of a successful true love to savor the rest of my life.

I am very blessed indeed.

Sunday Thanksgiving Dinner....

....with the family!  

Love these people bunches and bunches!

 Grandma and her girls!

 My beautiful girls!

 Love this little family lotts and lotts!

 The boys and their funny faces!

 Two grandfathers.  Love these inspirational men!

 The monkeys and me watching YouTube!

 She missed the memo:  there's no crying at grandma's house!

Grandpa and great-granddaughter!

 Cousins!

Remster decorated my front door!

Did I really do that?

Yep, I did and it's okay.

Sometimes on this walk down widowhood road you just have to do what you want. 

Sometimes you just don't have the energy or the strength to endure one more drive home alone tears streaming down your face because although being with everyone is great, after it's over the big gaping hole of emptiness reminds you how much you miss him.

Sometimes dinner and spending time with family is just not worth walking into a dark empty house.
Crawling into a cold empty bed,
and knowing he'll never hold you again.

Sometimes it's not about the food, it IS about avoiding the pain.

Thank you family for understanding
because
IT IS OKAY!

(P.S. If the shoe was on the other foot, I imagine with the life insurance he would have bought himself a brand new four wheeler, what better way to remember your deceased wife, and he would be out on the San Rafeal swell alone, and. . . you all would be okay with that.)

It’s all an attitude of gratitude

I am thankful for my family, blessings, friends, and my testimony.

As I have listened and read others “thankful” lists, I get crazy-twisted when I read or hear, “I am thankful for trials.” 

Really?

Seriously?

Then there are those who profess, “I pray for trials so I may grow.”

Really?

Seriously?

My last seven-year-trial has been the death of Joe and I AM NOT grateful for this trial. 

I am not grateful that:

I crawl into an empty bed every night

Wake up alone every morning

When my grandchildren visit grandpa, they go to the cemetery

None, not one single grandchild will ever go fishing with Joe

Everyday I cry because I miss him so much

I have to go to the temple alone—and, he’s not waiting in the celestial room

I go to church alone

I celebrate my anniversary alone

I have had to learn how to fix a sprinkler system

I know how to move heavy things

I know how to use all the power tools I own

I can back up the RV into a parking spot

I have to keep his memory alive or  people will forget him

I have to deal with family, financial and world problems alone

So, choose your words wisely, ARE you really grateful for your trials, or you just haven’t got the big one yet?

(PS:  even if I choose to look at the "glass half full" it 's still the same--half empty!)

Tagalong:

one that persistently and often annoyingly follows the lead of another.

Yep, after 7 years I feel persistent and yep, I find it very annoying.  

 By default, I am the definition of “tag-a-long”.  I don’t set out to be a tagalong, I don’t fantasize how to be a tagalong.  I don’t want to be a tag along.  

 It’s my position in society by default.

At Thanksgiving dinner, family get-togethers, dinner with friends, weddings, restaurants, movies, vacations and all other social activities:  I either go “stag” or I “tagalong.”

Over the past seven years, it has begun to chip at the strength I am able to muster.

I find it more difficult every year that passes to continue to motivate myself to go stag or tagalong.

I cannot do it anymore.  I am tired.  Too tired to walk into one more room, situation, meeting, or business alone.  I am tired of meeting people by myself and then having to explain; being discriminated by the carpool lane; I am exhausted of standing in line alone and I am tired of sitting alone.  I am tired of the lonely ride home to an empty house.

I am annoyed that the world continues to live and move forward, while I, once again, just tag along.

But most of all I am tired of PRETENDING I am okay with being alone.

I am not.

Thanksgiving 2009

Turkey, cranberries & pie...
Oh my