Trials

Some of our trials are temporary.

Some of our trials are permanent.

The same trial may be  temporary for one person and permanent for another.

And, while going through our trials we long for peace in our heart and to fill our being. . .

"We all long for peace. Peace is not just safety or lack of war, violence, conflict, and contention. Peace comes from knowing that the Savior knows who we are and knows that we have faith in Him, love Him, and keep His commandments, even and especially amid life’s devastating trials and tragedies." Quentin L Cook, Personal Peace:  The Reward of Righteousness.

"The Savior is the source of true peace. Even with the trials of life, because of the Savior’s Atonement and His grace, righteous living will be rewarded with personal peace."  Quentin L Cook, Personal Peace: The Reward of Righteousness.

Breathing

Sometimes I have to just focus on breathing.

I cannot think of tomorrow,
I cannot think of tonight.

Just the here
and
now
and my breathing.

The pain is always consuming; there is no escape.
I look okay on the outside, but I am not on the inside.

Breathe.

The pain of seeing your loved one in a coffin, the pain of touching his cold body.

Breathe.

People say, how do you do it--
I don't do "it".
My stupid broken heart won't stop beating.

Breathe.

It's nothing heroic or strong, I just don't have a choice.
Just like the sun on my arm, it can shine and heat, but it doesn't choose who to shine on or who to heat.
It just is.  So, am I.

Quote

"And I have chosen to get out of bed each morning despite believing that the last morning that mattered had already happened."

Sometimes I cannot say what has already been said, any better!  Sometimes I cannot relate what I feel, any better than what someone else has already stated.  

Source:
Jackie Friday, October 22, 2010
http://widowsvoice-sslf.blogspot.com/2010/10/brand-name.html#comments

Wisdom from Law & Order

Claire, "So, people are just good or bad, period."

Jack McCoy, "It's better than healthy or sick.
You deny evil, you deny responsibility. 
Open up the jails and send everyone to a shrink."


(Law and Order episode 135, 1995.)

Yep, "you deny evil, you deny responsibility." By admitting and taking responsibility for our actions we grow, we mature, we learn empathy and we learn humility.  We learn it feels good to be good and to do good. We learn sorrow and we learn to forgive.  If we don't allow the people who chose to do wrong to suffer the consequences, we disrupt their learning and their potential and we put society at risk.

Sure we all want to be forgiving and we all want to take the higher road, but there are natural  consequences to our behaviors.  And if we disrupt those consequences we are doing more damage and we are in essence saying, you are too fragile/weak/sick/ignorant to learn and grow, so we will save you from your actions and not hold you responsible.  "We" ends up swooping in and saving wrong actions from suffering the natural consequences.  And in the meantime we put all people and society in peril and disrupt the learning and growing process of the individual.

The Grim Reaper

is widowhood.

It robs you of who you are,

what you want to be,

your dreams,

your memories,

sleep,

comfort,

safety,

security,

stability,

love,

peace.

It robs you of 

innocence,

hope,

control,

optimism,

organization,

patience,

and

true love.

It steals

who you are,

how you see,

how you feel,

the real you is barely surviving 

your harsh reality.

Grief steals your

days,

hours,

months,

and years 

with tears,

avoidance,

depression, 

and sleep.

Death does not just snuff out one life,

it snuffs out two.

Perspective

"A pebble held close to the eye appears to be a gigantic obstacle.  Cast on the ground, it is seen in perspective.  Likewise, problems or trials in our lives need to be viewed in the perspective of scriptural doctrine.  Otherwise they can easily overtake our vision, absorb our energy, and deprive us of the joy and beauty the Lord intends us to receive here on earth."  Richard G. Scott

(Thank you Sharon for sharing this on Facebook, I really need this to be my motto!)

There I stood.
His arms wrapped around me like they used to be...
I close my eyes,
Oh, how I have longed to be in his arms again.
I bury my head in his chest, the safest place on earth...
He kisses the top of my head...I have missed this so much.
Then he says let's go...
I am so happy I follow...

Then I wake up!

What a crummy way to start the day...
No matter what I make up in my head to make my life okay without him, my dreams tell the truth and they torture me with the sadness of his death...

How does a widow look forward, when her dreams keeps reminding her of her past?

The stages of grief never end, and neither do the dreams...

Recognition

Last week I helped a patron at the Library.  She was slow and lacked attention when I asked her questions.  I realized I didn't have to rush anywhere else, so I took my time to help her.  I slowed down the pace.  I didn't believe she had dementia or a disability.

I just couldn't put my finger on it. . .

Something definitely was wrong, but it wasn't until she made an off-hand comment on the way to the printer I realized I recognized the characteristics. . .

G - r - i - e - f
Her husband had passed away and she was trying to find something in life to give her meaning.  I recognized the "grief funk" which is thicker and sadder than "grief fog".

I felt so bad for her, she was almost a year.  I remember that dark, lonely, sad, isolated and painful place. 

I hoped my words and hug helped her along her journey. 

Later, I cried for her because I knew her journey and her pain.  And then I cried because I realized I had healed.  Yep, that place of "grief funk"  and even "grief fog" is a memory and no longer a residence!

The shoe

A pair of shoes is useful.  

A comfortable pair of shoes keeps your feet dry, protects from the rocks and thorns, and supports your body as you move through life.

A single shoe is useless and out of place.  You cannot adjust or adapt to a single shoe. You cannot hop through life on one foot, just because you have lost a shoe. 

                                       
I feel like the single shoe.  I miss the pair I used to be.  I cannot function as the best me without the other shoe.

I worked very hard for 24 years to be part of a pair, now I feel like the cast off missing its mate--in good condition, but impractical without a mate. I’m hopping through life trying to make being “one” and “single” work, but it is lonely and I just don’t fit in. 

No one walks into the closet and reminds me I'm not part of a pair, but I see and live it every single day.  I sit by myself, I eat by myself, I drive by myself, I watch television by myself, and I sleep by myself. 

I feel like half of me is missing; I feel out of sorts in a world of two footed people, I'm a single shoe, trying to be useful and fit in, but seriously, how comfortable can one be as a single shoe?

I Didn't Cry

It is pretty pathetic when you measure how well you are doing by the "cry barometer".  I remember a time when just a mild mishap would send me to the "wailing wall of tears".  

Some-days,
that still happens.

But, Valentine's Day, I was hit by another car.  I'm okay, but I was so shook up, because of Joe being killed in a car accident.  Just makes my mind and thoughts go to places that are dark and dreary...

Anyway,
I was trembling.
My hands shook.
I stayed put until I composed myself.
Didn't look at the damages on the Beamer until I was in control.

After filling out the accident report and speaking with the UHP, I drove out of the parking lot, and thought to myself:
"Well, I handled that pretty good, and I didn't cry."

I
DID
NOT
CRY!!!

Wow.

Widowhood, grief, and all everything has made me stronger . . well, today anyway if you measure it by the "cry barometer".

The Church is Scaffolding for our Lives

"I believe that more than anything else this is because the Church is the scaffolding for both our families and professional lives. … I know scaffolding allows me to reach heights I could not reach otherwise, and do things I could not otherwise reach. ... If we stay firmly centered on the scaffolding of the Church we remain safe and protected. ..."


(Elder L. Tom Perry of the Quorum of the Twelve, The Church is Scaffolding for our Lives, LDS Church News, Friday, 27 January 2012.)

As I read this article, I thought about how the "scaffolding allows me to reach heights I could not reach otherwise, and do things I could not otherwise reach." Four major events in my life came to my mind as I read this article; two events I selected and two events selected me. The two I selected are marriage and motherhood. These two life events have formed and shaped my life. They taught me things I needed to learn and gave me blessings beyond wonderful. However, I found both of these life events were easier, more rewarding, and I was better at them, with the Lord by my side.


The other two life-changing events that selected me were Relief Society President and widow. I chose neither of these two events, however they have allowed me to "reach heights I could not reach otherwise and do things I could not otherwise" do. The scaffolding of the Gospel has given me the tools I have needed to get through these two life changing experiences that found me on my knees several times a day. I am able to do things I never thought possible and these positive changes have become a permanent part of a better me. I cannot imagine doing either without the Lord; luckily you don’t have to serve as an auxiliary president without the Lord, however widowhood, calls weather you are have the Lord in your life or not!


Because widowhood can be such a dark, dreary, and scary road to travel down alone, I cling to that promise that Elder Perry gave, “If we stay firmly centered on the scaffolding of the Church we remain safe and protected. ...”.

Have a happy peaceful Sunday peeps.

Quote

From J.K. Rowling's June 6, 2008 Harvard Commencement speech:

"The knowledge that you have emerged wiser and stronger from setbacks means that you are, ever after, secure in your ability to survive. You will never truly know yourself, or the strength of your relationships, until both have been tested by adversity. Such knowledge is a true gift, for all that is painfully won, and it has been worth more than any qualification I ever earned."

The Seven Year Itch

I think I've got it.  It's been  a little over seven years since Joe died and here is what I know:

• Like breathing the pain is routine
• The sadness is now who I am, it is me and I am it.
• I realize this will be as good as it gets.  This is it.  There is no getting over it; it is now part of who I am.  It is me.
• I am tired of trivial things and trivial people.  I find many aspects of life annoying and irritating and I just don't have the energy to deal with it or be overly kind about it.
• I see the world through different eyes; life, death, and survival.
• It's just a matter of time before everyone walks down this road, so judge me and we'll see how gracefully you will walk this walk.
• Loneliness is darker than the blackest black.  It can and will deceive you and make you do crazy things.
• There is acceptance and surrender in year seven.

12 Days of Widowhood

Day 1--Everyone is there for you:  friends, family, in-laws, funeral directors, church members, ecclesiastical leaders, attorneys, neighbors, friends of friends, cousins of cousins, co-workers of your spouse, everyone for one reason or another.

Day 2--Paperwork and logistics of it all--banks, credit unions, utilities, car titles, life insurance, medical insurance, cell  phone companies, etc.  FYI just because one business adjusted/fixed/updated records easily, doesn't mean the next business will do the same.  They all have rules and regulations.  Seriously?!?

Day 3--Calls & mail.  No one has got the message he's dead, even if they paid out on his death, or closed his account.  And, no one from one department passes that death information on to the next department.  So, lucky-grieving-widow gets to do that.  Of course they over apologize like that will make their stupid phone call disappear from your memory.

Day 4--Friends.  Your husbands friends are gone, because they either don't care or it is too painful for them to see you and be a reminded of their loss.  Your friends are iffy.

Day 5--Family.  You look well you must be doing okay.  Your in-laws are suffering in their grief too, which sometimes does not include you, or if it includes you it is now in a different way.

Day 6--The vultures are waiting for you.  Repairmen, attorneys, family--yep with their hands out, and even some friends.

Day 7--Life insurance/insurance--Jump through the hoops and we'll mail you a check.  Beware.  They might want their money back!  Seriously?  Yep being over paid is common; or I seem to know a lot of widows who are the rarity.  I was contacted FOUR years after the fact asking to return hundreds of dollars!  A friend was over paid tens of thousands of dollars and had to send back the overpayment amount.  You would think that this would be one area in life where accuracy was very important.  Kinda like surgery, some things you just can't take back.

Day 8--Call me...A new widow cannot even crawl out of bed some days and your waiting for her call, seriously?  You can dial 7 numbers to find out how I am or I, who just buried my husband can dial 7 numbers to tell you how I am.  Hummmm.  And, if I do call, what exactly can you do?  Call me if you need anything; can you bring him back?  Can you make the pain end?  Can you further along the grief process?  What exactly should I call you for?

Day 9--Gawkers--They just want to know if your going to move, remarry, lose your mind, and how much life insurance did you get.  They are there only to watch the train wreck.  Luckily, they will soon move on the the next event.

Day 10--Family.  Finally those family members teetering on the edge from Day 5 will let go and move on only to contact you on holidays and when mandatory announcements need to be made:  births, weddings, deaths and illnesses.

Day 11--Friends. Finally those friends teetering on the edge from Day 4 will let go and move on only to speak to you when you run into them in the community.

Day 12--All that are left are those TRUE friends, family, and neighbors who can handle helplessly watching your pain and grief.  These are the angles who God sends.  These are they who will hold your hand and dry your tears. These angles will reach out to you expecting nothing in return.  These are angles who remember you when their lives are busy, busy busy.   These are the home and visiting teachers who actually stop by and visit.  These are the people in your life who actually pick up the phone and call.  These are the people who Mosiah speaks about:  mourn with those who mourn.

(Note:  this post is not meant to blame anyone, the intent is  rather to warn the new widow on the road of grief, and maybe give perspective to those who know a widow.  After all, widows are walking down this new road, and similarly, their friends, family and acquaintances are also walking down an unfamiliar road.)

The Wind and the Widow

Not only do I hate falling a sleep alone; I really hate having to do it twice in one night.  Did you hear the wind last night?  Well, I did and it woke me up, so that meant I had to fall back asleep a second time.  I laid there and listened and finally decided that it wasn't just a few gusts, but rather serious continuous wind.  So, I probably needed to get up and check things--things my husband should be there to do.

Which brings me to the tiresome reality of being alone.  Everything falls on your shoulders.  Car maintenance, house repairs, bills, decisions, taxes, plumbing, sprinklers, computer problems, appointments, phone calls, grocery shopping, opening jars, and checking wind damage.  It is not just one single thing that is overwhelming, rather, it is everything all the time while shrouded in grief.   The continual everything that begins immediately when he dies.  It starts with arrangements for the funeral and burial, and then the decisions never ever end.  Everything falls on your shoulders. Every. Single. Thing.

It is really difficult when you are first widowed, and smothered with grief, to have everything dumped on you, but over time it gets easier.  Indeed grief is a very icky road to travel down, but as the grief fog lifts and your widow muscles grow stronger you become capable, able and adept at handling everything by yourself.

So, I crawled out of bed checked the gates, yard and water heater pilot light and was relieved that I am doing better and that I am several miles down the widowhood road rather than at the first stop sign!

Today I am grateful for:
1.  my house not floating in Utah Lake
2.  a hot morning shower
3.  the pilot light staying lit during last nights wind
4.  being several miles down this road

Surrender

Where you once stood;
now stands my new mate.


When I sleep;
I am not alone.

I wake up;
He's faithfully there.


I long for your arms;
but I am smothered by his grip.


We have dinner together;
and attend social functions arm in arm.


We go grocery shopping,
and travel together.


We spend evenings watching television;
and eat meals together.

The silence;
no longer unsettling.

Finally, comfortable,
in each others' company.


The space you once occupied,
is not empty;


But rather there's a new spouse.
Grief.


He's here to stay;
like an unavoidable appendage.


By my side during holidays,
and anniversaries.


I surrender,
what I cannot change.


Grief;
my spouse
who
moved
in
and took your place.

Did I really do that?

Yep, I did and it's okay.

Sometimes on this walk down widowhood road you just have to do what you want. 

Sometimes you just don't have the energy or the strength to endure one more drive home alone tears streaming down your face because although being with everyone is great, after it's over the big gaping hole of emptiness reminds you how much you miss him.

Sometimes dinner and spending time with family is just not worth walking into a dark empty house.
Crawling into a cold empty bed,
and knowing he'll never hold you again.

Sometimes it's not about the food, it IS about avoiding the pain.

Thank you family for understanding
because
IT IS OKAY!

(P.S. If the shoe was on the other foot, I imagine with the life insurance he would have bought himself a brand new four wheeler, what better way to remember your deceased wife, and he would be out on the San Rafeal swell alone, and. . . you all would be okay with that.)

It’s all an attitude of gratitude

I am thankful for my family, blessings, friends, and my testimony.

As I have listened and read others “thankful” lists, I get crazy-twisted when I read or hear, “I am thankful for trials.” 

Really?

Seriously?

Then there are those who profess, “I pray for trials so I may grow.”

Really?

Seriously?

My last seven-year-trial has been the death of Joe and I AM NOT grateful for this trial. 

I am not grateful that:

I crawl into an empty bed every night

Wake up alone every morning

When my grandchildren visit grandpa, they go to the cemetery

None, not one single grandchild will ever go fishing with Joe

Everyday I cry because I miss him so much

I have to go to the temple alone—and, he’s not waiting in the celestial room

I go to church alone

I celebrate my anniversary alone

I have had to learn how to fix a sprinkler system

I know how to move heavy things

I know how to use all the power tools I own

I can back up the RV into a parking spot

I have to keep his memory alive or  people will forget him

I have to deal with family, financial and world problems alone

So, choose your words wisely, ARE you really grateful for your trials, or you just haven’t got the big one yet?

(PS:  even if I choose to look at the "glass half full" it 's still the same--half empty!)

Tagalong:

one that persistently and often annoyingly follows the lead of another.

Yep, after 7 years I feel persistent and yep, I find it very annoying.  

 By default, I am the definition of “tag-a-long”.  I don’t set out to be a tagalong, I don’t fantasize how to be a tagalong.  I don’t want to be a tag along.  

 It’s my position in society by default.

At Thanksgiving dinner, family get-togethers, dinner with friends, weddings, restaurants, movies, vacations and all other social activities:  I either go “stag” or I “tagalong.”

Over the past seven years, it has begun to chip at the strength I am able to muster.

I find it more difficult every year that passes to continue to motivate myself to go stag or tagalong.

I cannot do it anymore.  I am tired.  Too tired to walk into one more room, situation, meeting, or business alone.  I am tired of meeting people by myself and then having to explain; being discriminated by the carpool lane; I am exhausted of standing in line alone and I am tired of sitting alone.  I am tired of the lonely ride home to an empty house.

I am annoyed that the world continues to live and move forward, while I, once again, just tag along.

But most of all I am tired of PRETENDING I am okay with being alone.

I am not.