Rest in Peace

My dear sweet husband,
My heart still aches.  I still miss you.  I still love you.  I still cry for you.  May you watch over us and be proud of the legacy you left behind.

I must blog, I must blog, I must blog

Life since July has been up and down and down and up!
Four funerals, a new baby, a serious illness, six birthdays, an anniversary, a flooded basement, LDS General Conference, three trips to Wyoming, a trip to St. George and a genealogy conference.  I am behind on almost everything; especially blogging!

My father-in-law passed in August and it has been so difficult watching my mother-in-law struggle down the path of widowhood.  Then on the 23rd of October, my brother-in-law suddenly and unexpectedly passed.  Now, my sister-in-law must also wander down the widowhood path.  Too many funerals; too many widows; and too many memories for me along with Joe's birthday, my anniversary, and next week his death anniversary.

The pain and grief from losing Joe is finally bearable; and by that I mean I have learned how to live with it.  I know how to function and meander through life.  However, watching my mother-in-law and sister-in-law join me down this road has intensified my grief pain as I have seen their faces of shock and grief and heard their tears of sorrow.

I am thankful for the atonement that helps and assists me with this awful pain of grief.  I am thankful for the Comforter, who truly does comfort in those dark, painful and lonely hours day after day and night after night.  I am thankful for family who cannot take away the pain, but can walk beside me through it.  I am grateful for sweet friends who love and care (especially for the sweet person, who every anniversary secretly leaves roses on my doorstep).  I am grateful for my grandchildren who remind me to laugh and keep loving and who hug me like I am their world.   But most of all I am thankful for a man who taught me love and marriage are beautiful!

Life is hard.
Death is hard.
Watching another's pain is hard.

And, on Wednesday it will be 10 years!
Ten years is too long to be away from the one you forever love!
I still love him every single day and every single day I miss him.

It's Over!!!!!!

Nine times I have done this march…and I am tired of it.  I know I can do it, I know I won’t break in half and I know my heart won’t explode from the pain.  But, oh, how it  is no fun at all--his birthday, our anniversary and his death date.  My mind thinks about the what if’s and my heart aches for yesterday.

So, now onto the holidays and the New Year!

P.S.  Thanks to my wonderful children for the flowers on the deathaversary and thank you to my sweet friend Annie for the anniversary flowers (sorry no picture)!

Deathaversary

It's 8 years ago.

And it's yesterday.

Calculations

While I was getting my nails done, I glanced up at the clock.  I mentally calculate; I could be outta here by 12:15 and at the library by 12:30.  Good then I can research until 4:30; 4 hours research.  Then I see Oct. 5.  I automatically calculate again: I have 20 days to get Joe an anniversary gift. 

Maybe it was all the nail polish fumes.

Maybe it was the relaxing pedicure.

Maybe it was just for one brief minute I forgot.

My eyes saw the date "Oct 5" and my mind calculated.

Seriously!

How can one spend EVERY-SINGLE-DAY-AND-NIGHT for the past almost 8 years grieving and in one single unsuspecting second forget!?!?!

My calculations slap me in the face. . .

Suddenly I cannot run and hide anymore. . .

The lump in my throat is because it is October. . .
Then
it
will
be
November!

As I sat in church yesterday, I wanted to bolt...now there is an "old-familiar-never-want-to-experience-again" feeling! 
Yep, it's that time of the year!

Three recent deaths and a funeral; and here I thought I was doing alright--until that darn clock!

Welcome crisp weather, beautiful leaves, and tears!

Right around the corner is here...

a couple of months early!
Yep, it is that time of the year, the grief shrouded days of September, October, November and December.   September begins with Joe's birthday, our anniversary in October, his death anniversary in November, followed by Thanksgiving and Christmas (just holiday reminders of being alone)!

It seemed to start a little earlier this year, like in July, around my birthday.  The thoughts began with turning the big 50…

then they went down the road of Joe will never be older than 43 and he’ll never know 50…

then the thoughts turned to what have I done with the “extra” 8 years Joe never got?...

Have I used those years wisely?. . .

Then the thoughts focused on what he has missed in the 8 years:  the birth of 6 grandchildren, the marriage of his son, the baptism of our two oldest grandsons, the sunsets and sunrises, the laughter and joy of life…

and he was missing in our family pictures!

In August during Farrah’s and Athena’s birthdays I especially missed recounting their births and the beautiful women they have grown into.  He would be so proud of them.

So as Joe’s birthday approaches in September, I’m already beginning from a lower step on the grief staircase…Let’s just hope deathaversary #8 will be easier, heaven only knows I’m stronger!

It's coming...

In October I decided to grow out my hair including the grey.  That was not the smartest time-period to make a decision-- hiding under the covers during the two week period of your anniversary and your husband's deathaversary! (There were other life altering decisions I made that week, but none so noticeable!)

So almost 10 months later I look like a calico cat!  There's the dark brown that my hair was originally colored.  Then there is the blonde that the hairdresser told me "would help grow out the grey."  Next there is the original brown color of my hair and finally there is the ultimate grey!  Yep calico!

The reason I'm growing out my hair is I that I like life on my own terms.  Because of the various autoimmune stuff going on, I have scalp problems every now and then, and I'm afraid that one of these days I won't have the ability to make the decision.  So, I thought I would make the choice while I was still able to make it.

One comment I get is, "why are you letting it go grey, you're not that old." 
Yep I am. 
If I can naturally grow grey, then I am that old. 

I have decided that in order to go grey you have to be pretty secure with who you are and where you stand in society.  You have to withstand all of the comments and stares.  Widowhood is the same, you have to withstand all the comments and the stares.  Going grey you have to withstand society's view of "old" and "grey" and "mature" and it is even more intimidating when you are already a widow which also conjures up those same descriptions. Double whammy!

The next response from the crowd is, "I want to go white, you know that really pretty white."  My response is how do you think you get to white--G-R-E-Y!

You  can chose to color or not to color, but you cannot chose between grey and white!  Seriously, if that were the case then all the "salt & peppers" and "dingy grey's" would also be white!

With my approaching birthday I feel old enough to match the grey and the number.  It is funny how widowhood will age you---the wrinkles, stress, anxiety, loneliness, tears, carrying a hankie and regular visits to the cemetery do not add to one's youth!

Joe will always be 43 years old, I have aged and another one is coming and it's a biggie.


But what's a girl to do???
Go grey!!!!
Yay!!!!

Enough ranting about the big birthday and the hair color decision.  It is too late now to turn back on either!

New Year, New Goal

When I hurt I cannot write.
When I am scared I cannot cry.
Two very weird things about me!

It's a new year and one of my resolutions is to 

Blog  more

Blog more

BLOG more

Seriously slacking in the blogging this past year, Oh well, get on with it and do better this year!


Since the seven year deathaversary a gate was opened and it feels very good to release all of that emotion that has been boiling inside of me.  For the past seven years it has been leaking out through my tears, paralyzing parts of my life, soothing my dreams and reconstructing who I am.

So, I am going to try the NaBloPoMo challenge.  Blog everyday for the entire month of January.

It may get ugly, but grief is ugly.
It may get sad, but grief is sad.
It might even get dark, but welcome to widowhood.


Luckily, I am more than a widow, so there should be some other middle-aged, genealogy-junkie, grandma-loving posts too!

Having a great day...

So, there is a spring in my step, a song in my heart, and I am up and dressed with an agenda. Also, this is my second post today. What has brought on all this joy?

I survived September (Joe's b-day), October (our anniversary), November (deathaversary & Thanksgiving) & December (sealing anniversary & christmas) again!!!

Wonderful.
Exciting.
Refreshing.
Relief.

Carry on world, I'm joining in again! The other eight months of the year contain just bumps in the road, and surviving them is easier than the marathon from September through December!

Deathaversary

Every year 'bout this time I ponder and remember.

I ponder about what the last hours of his life were like.  (I'm still missing about an hour)  Did he know, or suspect.  What was his final thought?

And

I remember that morning as if it was yesterday.
Ironic,  I forget so many things on a daily basis, but the only day I want to forget, my memory is crystal clear!

So, the following post is what I lived that day