Christmas Decorating

Last night we trimmed the tree, carefully placed our beloved Christmas decorations around the house while Christmas music and the peppermint candle filled the air.  Afterwards, we sipped hot cocoa in the dark and watched the Christmas lights twinkle with the merriment of the season.

NOT

It has taken me two weeks to drag up a few containers and place a few things around the house.  I tripped over the plastic totes and grumbled over having to decorate.  

Finally yesterday while bawling like a baby,  I took a Xanax and was able to get through the tears, and memories, and I finished putting up the tree and decorating it.

I guess the Christmas decorating tears are for missing what used to be.  Everything I pulled out reminded me of Joe or the children, and there is some sadness because I miss that season of my life.  It was fun and it was a blast, and stressful and busy.  I miss the excitement and the wonderment of the season, but I am in a new season now and although it is not one I choose, I am here and it's not bad--just a little lonely. 

I think the writers block I have suffered since the spring and summer has lifted.  I know now you are all thinking, "help, she won't shut up."  

Can you imagine something being so painful that it would prevent you from doing something you enjoyed and loved.  Who would have thought that it would take 7 years to finally be able to put pen to paper.  Grief is an unpredictable road to travel and hopefully none of you will have to experience it.  


Things I am grateful for:
1.  While Christmas decorating no one fought.
2.  The tree didn't fall over
3.  The tree wasn't taller than the ceiling
4.  The lights worked before and after they were put on the tree.
5.  I have good memories of past Christmas' to miss.

Imagine. . .

Kemmerer Camera, 21 December 1907

Can you imagine to "teach the future mother how to dress the future child."  Maybe that is why those silly teenage boys wear their pants with-their-undies-hanging-out; their mothers didn't get to practice!  Better idea; we should give those boys with their undies-hanging-out-of-their-pants their own dolls to practice with, maybe that's the problem! ! !  1907 they had the answer!

Kemmerer Republican, 22 December 1916

Does #2 really say "if you must have snow use...asbestos fibre".  NOT a good idea! Does #3 really say "do not let children light or re-light candles WHILE PARENTS ARE NOT PRESENT"?  NO!  It's a wonder any of us are here if these basics needed to be printed!!!  And, duh it does say, "Electrical illumination is safer"!!!  Yep, yep, yep!

Just a little side tracked while researching old newspapers!!!!

Surrender

Where you once stood;
now stands my new mate.


When I sleep;
I am not alone.

I wake up;
He's faithfully there.


I long for your arms;
but I am smothered by his grip.


We have dinner together;
and attend social functions arm in arm.


We go grocery shopping,
and travel together.


We spend evenings watching television;
and eat meals together.

The silence;
no longer unsettling.

Finally, comfortable,
in each others' company.


The space you once occupied,
is not empty;


But rather there's a new spouse.
Grief.


He's here to stay;
like an unavoidable appendage.


By my side during holidays,
and anniversaries.


I surrender,
what I cannot change.


Grief;
my spouse
who
moved
in
and took your place.

All I Ask is for 30 Seconds...

Last Thursday I am at Little Caesar's Pizza.  In walks a man about Joe's size and shape AND said guy is wearing a tan Carhart. 

I want to walk up to him and say, "Hold me."

Surely, if I can close my eyes and pretend he's Joe, then he can pretend I'm not nutty.

Do it for charity.

Do it for the betterment of widow-kind.

Do it for being mean to your mom when you were a kid.

I don't care why you do it; I just want 30 seconds to be back in my husband's arms.

Instead I leave with my warm pizza and walk into a room of little people who think I am the best grandma because pizza IS their favorite.

A widow's gotta get her hugs where she can!

Eskimo Legend & Anniversary

"Perhaps they are not really stars in the sky, but rather openings where our loved ones shine down to let us know they are happy."

I know what you are all saying, "oh no, not another anniversary."  

Yep, but this year I remembered this one thank you to my Joe's new IPad and the handy calendar!  

Friday, December 9 is Joe and my sealing anniversary.

Yep, it was the day we were sealed for all eternity in the Manti Temple.

It was a very HAPPY day and here is what I remember:

• We were married civilly 17 years before we were sealed
• I was more nervous being sealed than married--by then I kinda had an idea of how long "eternity" was going to be!
• It was only 10 months and 5 days from the day I first went through the temple.  (When conversion happens it happens fast.)
• For the past seven years, I have CLUNG and HELD TIGHTLY to that sealing.  
• There was a snow storm, and I didn't care if anyone else was able to make it to the temple.
• There are no words to describe the feeling of  having my family all togeher in the temple.  That was the only day we were or will ever be all in the temple at the same time:  Joe, myself and our children.
• It was very cold, you can tell by our pictures
• Very beautiful and very sacred.

So here's to 14 years and the rest of forever with you. . .I miss you!

X O X O X O X O

Lights on Temple Square

picture from here

Dear Friends and Family:

Article in the Church News about the Christmas Lights on Temple Square.  Get your copy today and I'll autograph it for you later!!! (Just kidding)  Just another perk of missionary work on Temple Square, feeling the Spirit of Christmas and seeing the lights.  Here's a link to the article:
http://www.ldschurchnews.com/articles/61781/Lights-on-Temple-Square.html

Love,
Janet

You can never. . .

photo from here

. . .make the same mistake twice; 

because the second time 

you make it's not  a mistake, 

it's a  choice.