Myth Busters

 (This is not pretty, if you cannot handle it--look away!)

Widowhood jades your perspective.  Some of those common beliefs, well meaning people tell you to try and make you feel better, take on a different perspective when you lose your spouse.  These are just a few examples.  And, yep, I have said these to others before, but since Joe died, these philosophies take on a different meaning!

• "Pick up the pieces and put your life together."  It is really difficult to try and pick up the pieces when the majority of pieces are missing!

• "This life is such a short time in the eternal perspective." Try slamming your finger in the car door and leave it--while your finger is killing you, remember this life is just a split second compared to eternity!  Does the pain in you finger feel better?  What about now, feeling any better?

• "What doesn't kill us will make us stronger."  Nope losing my loved one should have killed me, but it didn't because my stupid strong heart won't quit beating.  Not my fault.  Not that strong, just a young heart. No heart head connection!

• "God doesn't give us more than we can handle."  Nope, God doesn't, but life will,  and when it does, God sends angles to help us.  (Thank you to all my angles. I love you.)

• "(Insert deceased spouse's name here) wouldn't want you to waste away and be this sad."  REALLY, then maybe I should die and he can see if he'll do better.  I'm willing to let him or anyone else give it a try. 

• "How are you doing?"  I used to say, "Some days are bad and the rest are worse."  Seriously, how do you honestly answer that question?  I don't know, but this "polite greeting" rolls off ones tongue before they can think...even I have said this since widowhood to other widows!

• "You shouldn't be alone."  Remarry, date, etc.  Sure that will make all the grief go away.  I'm older now, I know there is NO prince charming to make it all better, but rather how about entering into a new relationship with all the "new relationship dynamics" and add grief to the mix!  That makes sense.  I can imagine a "boyfriend" being okay with tears for the deceased husband!  Not!

I look at things differently since widowhood.  I view the world through different eyes.  I know death and dying, I know pain and sadness, loneliness and grief.  Don't try and make it better, you can't, no one and nothing can make it better.  Just allow me and others the pain and love of missing them.

Sometimes the only way to reach the end is through.  This is just me verbally going "through" the grief...And hopefully somewhere along the way it helps someone else.

Family

(Thank you Sharon for sharing this with me.)

Perspective

"A pebble held close to the eye appears to be a gigantic obstacle.  Cast on the ground, it is seen in perspective.  Likewise, problems or trials in our lives need to be viewed in the perspective of scriptural doctrine.  Otherwise they can easily overtake our vision, absorb our energy, and deprive us of the joy and beauty the Lord intends us to receive here on earth."  Richard G. Scott

(Thank you Sharon for sharing this on Facebook, I really need this to be my motto!)

Dear Katie,

If I ever need this reminder, here it is. . .

Pictures

Here is what I got for my birthday...pictures of my family!

 Look at the camera and say "cheese", 

except Kirabella!

 Smile!

  Look at the camera and say "cheese", 

except Kirabella, 

again!

 Reward for all those 

"smiling and look at the camera"

---mustaches!

 Okay, only the boys now...

Lilah was able to sneak into this picture!

This is what makes me happy, I just want to clap like Kira!

Look at Matt hugging his cousins!

Even Kaleb was okay with standing around for this picture!

Joseph & Raegan are just tolerating all this picture taking!

Remington is happy he gets to hold Joseph, 

who is almost as big as he is!

Thank you 

Sarah Farmer!!!!

You did a great job 

and we love them 

& you!

Happy Birthday

to 

Me!

Pictures

Update to Procrastination Post

Last night I went to bed a mess, and it was over 100' yesterday, so I guess that made me a hot mess!  Today my eyes are red and burning from allergies and all that dust in the old boxes and from crying.

I was in such an avoidance mode yesterday, because no good could have possibly come from going through those boxes and trying to make copies of everything--maybe I should just back off and if a catastrophe is going to happen let it happen--let it burn; or flood; or get stolen; or get bugs or whatever can ruin your stuff.  At least then all my emotions will be boxed up and safely stored in the corner where they cannot pain me to my core and stab my heart.

Here's what I found pictures, our high school love letters, wedding album, funeral book, funeral programs, sympathy cards and letters, and two memory boxes.

When I find that kind of stuff I am like the dumb-lady-in-the-scary-movie who hears  a noise and gets out of bed to find out what it is.  No good can come from it especially when that particular music begins to play.  But, just like the dumb-lady-in-the-scary-movie, I have to open that box, look at that letter, or touch that photograph, while every fiber of my being yells, NO.

Since I don't have enough time today to finish, I guess all those boxes get hauled upstairs, and maybe I'll just let the children go through them after my death like all "good" parents do! Then, as they are all sitting around going through these boxes they can repeatedly say, "why did she keep all this crap?"

So here are few choice pictures to keep you in stitches,

 after such a sobering post:

Yep, we were a hot couple back in the day!

Procrastination

Since the fire I still have not unpacked the "maybe-we-might-have-to-evacuate" boxes.  Right now this minute I should be doing it, but I'm not.

I call it procrastination, but in reality it is avoidance--not of doing the work but of finding and seeing pictures and mementos of Joe's life.

It still hurts.
So, I will blog.
Facebook.
Eat.
Snack.
Watch t.v.
FaceTime grandbabies.
Even do the dishes so I don't have to look at painful memories that make me cry.

Darn that grief and death that continues to haunt my life.
Darn those shooters that started that fire.
Darn that drunk that killed my husband.

It's coming...

In October I decided to grow out my hair including the grey.  That was not the smartest time-period to make a decision-- hiding under the covers during the two week period of your anniversary and your husband's deathaversary! (There were other life altering decisions I made that week, but none so noticeable!)

So almost 10 months later I look like a calico cat!  There's the dark brown that my hair was originally colored.  Then there is the blonde that the hairdresser told me "would help grow out the grey."  Next there is the original brown color of my hair and finally there is the ultimate grey!  Yep calico!

The reason I'm growing out my hair is I that I like life on my own terms.  Because of the various autoimmune stuff going on, I have scalp problems every now and then, and I'm afraid that one of these days I won't have the ability to make the decision.  So, I thought I would make the choice while I was still able to make it.

One comment I get is, "why are you letting it go grey, you're not that old." 
Yep I am. 
If I can naturally grow grey, then I am that old. 

I have decided that in order to go grey you have to be pretty secure with who you are and where you stand in society.  You have to withstand all of the comments and stares.  Widowhood is the same, you have to withstand all the comments and the stares.  Going grey you have to withstand society's view of "old" and "grey" and "mature" and it is even more intimidating when you are already a widow which also conjures up those same descriptions. Double whammy!

The next response from the crowd is, "I want to go white, you know that really pretty white."  My response is how do you think you get to white--G-R-E-Y!

You  can chose to color or not to color, but you cannot chose between grey and white!  Seriously, if that were the case then all the "salt & peppers" and "dingy grey's" would also be white!

With my approaching birthday I feel old enough to match the grey and the number.  It is funny how widowhood will age you---the wrinkles, stress, anxiety, loneliness, tears, carrying a hankie and regular visits to the cemetery do not add to one's youth!

Joe will always be 43 years old, I have aged and another one is coming and it's a biggie.


But what's a girl to do???
Go grey!!!!
Yay!!!!

Enough ranting about the big birthday and the hair color decision.  It is too late now to turn back on either!

Here is what I have been up to

I got to spend the day with this happy baby and his Daddy.

 I got to meet this new little granddaughter. 

 Isn't she beautiful!

And look at all of that hair! 

 I got to babysit this cutie while everyone went to Seven Peaks.

 Then, I drove to Logan and babysat this happy baby--okay, so I begged...and they finally gave in!

 I was blessed to attend this little man's baptism, yep, this was the best picture I could get of him!

 More loving on this sweetie...

 Trekker & I did an 8 mile bike ride down by the river,

 and saw this flock of pelicans.

 This little man decided he loves me now that he has a new little sister!

Night picture of the fire just above Alpine.  So relieved it is across the lake!

Finally, I thought 8 was great, but 9 is going to be divine!!!!

There I stood.
His arms wrapped around me like they used to be...
I close my eyes,
Oh, how I have longed to be in his arms again.
I bury my head in his chest, the safest place on earth...
He kisses the top of my head...I have missed this so much.
Then he says let's go...
I am so happy I follow...

Then I wake up!

What a crummy way to start the day...
No matter what I make up in my head to make my life okay without him, my dreams tell the truth and they torture me with the sadness of his death...

How does a widow look forward, when her dreams keeps reminding her of her past?

The stages of grief never end, and neither do the dreams...