Status

Yesterday while I was getting my hair done, the beautician who knew I was widowed, said something about my being single.  I was in a crummy mood to begin with and I snapped back, "I'm not single, I'm widowed."

This morning while I was driving into the library, I was thinking about my response and why it irritated me so much.   I wasn't using the widow card, that is a separate issue.  This is more about the title, the badge, the status of "widow" and the picture it paints. 
I realized:
I want credit for being married for 24 years.
I want credit for sticking it out.
I want credit for "better or worse".
I want credit for "winning the race" and making it to the "finish line".
I want kudos for doing his laundry, fixing his meals, and taking care of him.
I want kudos for turning the other cheek, picking my battles and keeping silent.
I want it known I still love him.
I want it known I miss him.
I want it known I did not choose this.
I want it known there was nothing I did to change my status.
I need  the sacredness and specialness of my marriage remembered.
I want it remembered he is still part of who and what I am today.
I want it known that I buried the man I loved.
I want it known that I stood over his casket and said good-bye to him.
I want it remembered that I have to visit his grave-site to be with him.
I want credit for being strong enough to keep walking down this miserable road.

Widowhood is not a badge I want to wear, however, it best paints the description of my situation; "single" does not.