Thankful for. . .

knowing he loved me.

This morning as I have thought about my many blessings I am reminded of an event that took place at the cemetery.

I was at the cemetery visiting Joe's grave, when I saw a newly-widowed friend.  After a few minutes, I walked over to this friend.  We shared the difficulties of being widowed and the harshness of death, when she suddenly and sadly said to me, "At least you knew that Joe loved you.  I never knew for sure he loved me."

Yes, I knew Joe loved me and I am so thankful that I was able to experience the best and most special love that can exist between two people.  A love that included friendship and respect.  A sacred love that reaches through death and lives eternally.

I am grateful that I worked at our relationship, that I respected our relationship and that I endured to the end; because now I have the sweet memories of a successful true love to savor the rest of my life.

I am very blessed indeed.

Selfie and monkey

Here is a picture of my oldest monkey and myself.  I wanted to show how tall he is to me, but then he stood on his tippy toes when I snapped the photo!  So, here is a picture to show how tall my oldest monkey is on his tippy toes!

Me and the monkey that made me a grandma!!!

Somedays....

I just feel blue like this:

Monkey picture!

We were at Wal-Mart waiting for momma and the girls, and I snapped this cutie picture!

He still brings me flowers!

Last summer when I visited Joe's grave look what I found growing on my side of the headstone!

If you know me and know how much I worked to teach him to bring me flowers, you know this is a big deal!

Sunday Thanksgiving Dinner....

....with the family!  

Love these people bunches and bunches!

 Grandma and her girls!

 My beautiful girls!

 Love this little family lotts and lotts!

 The boys and their funny faces!

 Two grandfathers.  Love these inspirational men!

 The monkeys and me watching YouTube!

 She missed the memo:  there's no crying at grandma's house!

Grandpa and great-granddaughter!

 Cousins!

Remster decorated my front door!

My Mission November 2013

fall flowers are planted!

Displays on the second floor

 Time change and it is so dark when I leave!  

But it is beautiful to see the temple lit up.

Trip to Rock Springs, Wyoming

 Last month I took a trip to Rock Springs with my Dad and Joan. 

It was a blast! 

Sure I wish my family was from somewhere exotic and warm, but they weren't!

And, every time I go back to that grayish-brown and brownish-gray town, I get homesick for the memories I have of the research I have done there.

I walked where they walked, and see what they saw!

I am on the hunt to learn about them and who they were...

I love going with my father because his quietness subsides and out comes the storyteller in him.  His memories flood of what was and who was there...

So, even though I have never lived in Rock Springs, nor have I ever spent an extended amount of time there, the town comes alive with my research and my Dad's stories as I visit the town.  I have learned so much about my family in this town, it is honestly like coming home!

My Mission-October 2013

 Past and present!

This photograph represents what is within the Library--the past, what we are researching, and the present, who we are!

Yes in life there are thorns among the flowers!

Happy Anniversary 2013

This year marks 33 years!  When your husband dies you don't quit counting the years and you spend your anniversary different!

Here is how I spent it this year!

It's Over!!!!!!

Nine times I have done this march…and I am tired of it.  I know I can do it, I know I won’t break in half and I know my heart won’t explode from the pain.  But, oh, how it  is no fun at all--his birthday, our anniversary and his death date.  My mind thinks about the what if’s and my heart aches for yesterday.

So, now onto the holidays and the New Year!

P.S.  Thanks to my wonderful children for the flowers on the deathaversary and thank you to my sweet friend Annie for the anniversary flowers (sorry no picture)!

Updates--Halloween Dinner

Here are the Halloween monkey's:

 Piglet (Dilly, Willie, Millie)

 The Man with the Yellow Hat (his momma made that costume!)

 Skeleton (Wrecker)

 Vampire (Remister)

 Bella Button

 Witch (Rae)

 Angry Birds (Mr. K)

 Ninja (Matt-Matt)

 Katie's witches!  Yummy!

 Dinner!

Nine years today,

and this is all I have to say:

Breathing

Sometimes I have to just focus on breathing.

I cannot think of tomorrow,
I cannot think of tonight.

Just the here
and
now
and my breathing.

The pain is always consuming; there is no escape.
I look okay on the outside, but I am not on the inside.

Breathe.

The pain of seeing your loved one in a coffin, the pain of touching his cold body.

Breathe.

People say, how do you do it--
I don't do "it".
My stupid broken heart won't stop beating.

Breathe.

It's nothing heroic or strong, I just don't have a choice.
Just like the sun on my arm, it can shine and heat, but it doesn't choose who to shine on or who to heat.
It just is.  So, am I.

Quote

Life is much bigger than just a body.  When you are grieving over the loss of a loved one, sense the presence of their soul, which is always with you, instead of the personality that is gone. 

—Oprah Winfrey

Loss

I didn't just lose the man I loved,
I also lost an easier life.

I lost a someone to share my history and memories with.

I lost someone who shared and cared about my dreams, goals, and life.

I lost my best friend.

I lost my love.

I lost my life.  Living will never be the same.  Life will never be the same.  I will never be the same.

In some ways I am better,
In some ways I am stronger,
In some ways I have more peace.