Vulnerable

Yes I am.

After Joe died I decided to go in and see about getting Lasik eye surgery to correct my vision.  I had insurance and I figured it was a good time to get something like that taken care of.

During the consultation, the doctor explained the surgery and then went on to explain the risks of the surgery.

I was suddenly paralyzed with fear--this was an elective surgery and if things went wrong. . .

If I cannot see I lose part of my independence.   When Joe was living, if I lost my sight it was different: he could drive me, help me shop, help me be independent, but as a widow I would need outside help; I would ultimately be dependent upon someone else.  It made me  realize how vulnerable I truly am.

. . .since it was an optional surgery I couldn't chance it!

A couple of weeks ago I hurt my foot.  Well actually I injured it and a week later it began to hurt.  I was faced with that vulnerability once again. . .then the grief comes knocking.  The grief and sadness of losing your other half; the one that is always there for you no matter what, the one that knows you better than yourself, the one that loves you enough to help you do anything and everything. 

The ironic part of this being vulnerable episode, is that a couple of weeks before I injured my foot, I had the flu.  It was the nasty I-wanna-die flu.  My head felt like it would explode.  My ears were plugged and I had to have the tv blaring; even the dogs were looking at me like "man that tv is really loud!"  For two weeks I laid on the couch sleeping, taking cold medicine, watching old movies and blowing my nose! 
I was too sick to cook.
I was too sick to clean.
I was too sick to think.

As a widow, I have learned to keep on hand:  Pepto, ginger ale, crackers, soup, cough syrup, cough drops, cold medicine and extra boxes of tissue---because there is no one to run to the store for you.  When I run out of these items I immediately replace them, because if there is anything I hate, it is going to the store when I don't feel well!

As I lay on the couch, I said to myself, this is the upside to being a widow:  First, I can be sick all alone without anyone bothering me!!!!  And secondly, I won't have to take care of a sick husband!!! 

You wives out there know exactly what I am talking about!!!

Isn't that how life is, my optimism during the flu was replaced a week later with my vulnerability when I injured my foot!