Maxine

Thoughts from the Widow's Lott-The Honesty in a Box of Chocolates

I have always loved chocolate; milk, dark, mint, with or without nuts, with or without caramel. I love chocolate milk, bars, pie, cookies, candies, shakes, cookies and cake. My grandson’s second Christmas is when he discovered he loved chocolate too. He would find a wrapped morsel, run to a safe corner, and shove the whole thing in his mouth and suck the chocolate through the wrapper. I understand that resolute desire.
Lying on the kitchen counter is a box of chocolates. Looking at it reminds me of the infamous line from Forrest Gump, "Life is like a box of chocolates, Forrest. You never know what you're gonna get."[1] However, my box of chocolates exposes widowhood honestly and openly for all to see. One simple box of chocolates forces me to face the honest truth; “I ate the whole box by myself.” Over the years you can blame the children and the husband, however, widowhood, forces you to examine the truth, there is no one here, so if the chocolates are gone, then I ate them all.
Honesty stares me squarely in the face and forces me to look at me and who I am. I feel almost naked standing here admitting to not knowing who I am without my husband and my children. Who am I without a job, my house or my clothes? Who am I all alone? I have clung to the things and people that I have thought defined me, however, they are gone and time has marched on. For years I marched on with time, thinking that I knew who I was, however the reality is, I only thought I knew who I was.
Over the years and road of marriage I always felt like I was better because of my husband. Where I was weak he was strong and where he was weak I was strong. I tried just a little harder to be a little better. I gave a little more and asked for a little less. I hoped that in doing and trying to become a better person I would be a better me.
During the years of marriage, I placed upon myself an assumed and imagined higher accountability. Marriage helped me stretch and reach for excellence in my life. Through the years the tool of marriage helped chisel a better me than I could have sculpted without it. So, losing myself in marriage and motherhood was a very good and growing experience, however, death has brought a mirror that I now look through and don’t recognize the person staring back at me.
Death has removed my coat, hat and gloves. Life has removed my shoes and shirt. Time has removed my pants and here I stand in my socks and underwear, wondering, where I was underneath all of that living I had done over the years. Here I am wondering where the real me is now that I have time to breathe and look in the mirror.
As I stand here looking in the mirror I do know one thing for certain, it was me who ate the whole box of chocolates!

[1] Forrest Gump Movie Quotes, http://www.harmonize.com/swdroundup/GUMP.htm