What I have been doing

I am so excited I cannot wait to tell you all about it, 

however they have not had the official release yet :(

But when they do, I'm gonna shout all about it!

Dreary

Okay so this blog is getting a little dreary with all of the grief posts I have been writing.  Humm, guess it's the time of the year, being in touch with my feelings and missing a wonderful man like crazy!

So here is some fun stuff--random pictures!

Every Widow Needs a Joan

A friend morning, noon, and night
Whose happy and uplifting
Warm and welcoming.

A friend who is living life and drags you kicking and screaming back amongest the living.
A friend whose shoulder you can cry on, and who will cry with you.
A friend who will laugh with you as well as at you!

Some one who will fix you dinner so you get a little nutrition every once in awhile,
And who invites you to do everything no matter how many declines you give her!

A friend who knocks on your door or calls in the mornings, so you can keep your mornings and nights straight!
A friend from the beginning to the end. . .
A friend who can stomach the ugliness and still be sweet. . .

A good friend, through thick, thin and,
Through the ugly and the repulsive side of grief!

Normal?

Sunday I traveled with the Nieman family down to EC to visit the cemetery.  It was a beautiful day with a beautiful family, but regardless it was soooooo painful.

I glanced around the cemetery as three if the children were running around with butterfly nets,while the baby was climbing over the headstone.  The adults were washing and cleaning up the headstone.  I stop and look around and in my mind I scream, How did I get here?  How can life be so fragile and short? How can I live without him.  How does this trip to visit Papa 's grave become a family event?  Everyone poses for pictures around the grave.  How and why?

When I hear little one-year-old Bella Button jabber and say the name Papa as she looks at something no one else can see, and I realize it IS all real and all because we love and miss this beautiful and wonderful man.

Death is

so

final.

It is the period at the end of a sentence.

It is no more tomorrows.

Done.

Over.

Finished.

Death

is

so

ending.

No more post scripts,

but's,

however's,

or maybe's. . .

Death is permanent.

Death is the end;

of breath,

pumping blood,

life of a heart.

Over.

End.

Done.

No more.

Even if you believe in eternity,

Death IS the end of this earthly chapter.

There are no more tomorrows,

dreams, hopes, or goals.

The end.

Put the pencil down finished.

Clouds and sunrise. . .

Grief and life. . .

Sometimes life isn't really clear through the mist of grief.
Sometimes life is difficult to distinguish living in the memories of yesterday.
Sometimes in the mist of grief, it is hard to know if it is the beginning or the end.
Grief monotones the color and tones of life.

Happy, yes there is still happiness after a great loss; my life is just painted with a different paintbrush, and more muted tones.

Life is still good.
I still feel and know love, it is just on a smaller scale.

The Sword. . .

Here's the story!

Back in 2003 Joe went to a gun show where upon he purchased a sword.  When he got home he excitedly showed me his new purchase.  I looked at him strangely and said, "what are you going to do with that?"  Joe took the sword and attached the sheath to his belt.  He then stood on his tippy toes, because at 6 foot 2 inches he was not tall enough for it to hang properly, and said "this" as he quickly drew the sword and posed with it up in the air, as if he were posing to defend his army.

I laughed at him! 
Seriously, he was 40 years old with a brand new play toy! 
Big boys, big toys!
Joe was proud of that sword and besides, not everyone had a sword!

Since his death I have looked at that sword and thought, "what am I supposed to do with that?"

The grandchildren however, think it IS the coolest thing ever.

Here are some pictures of Joe's grandchildren posing (very carefully) with his sword. . . 

Joe would have been so happy his grandchildren see 

the majesty 

of the 

sword!

 And, the parents posing with the sword. . .

Wisdom from Law & Order

Claire, "So, people are just good or bad, period."

Jack McCoy, "It's better than healthy or sick.
You deny evil, you deny responsibility. 
Open up the jails and send everyone to a shrink."


(Law and Order episode 135, 1995.)

Yep, "you deny evil, you deny responsibility." By admitting and taking responsibility for our actions we grow, we mature, we learn empathy and we learn humility.  We learn it feels good to be good and to do good. We learn sorrow and we learn to forgive.  If we don't allow the people who chose to do wrong to suffer the consequences, we disrupt their learning and their potential and we put society at risk.

Sure we all want to be forgiving and we all want to take the higher road, but there are natural  consequences to our behaviors.  And if we disrupt those consequences we are doing more damage and we are in essence saying, you are too fragile/weak/sick/ignorant to learn and grow, so we will save you from your actions and not hold you responsible.  "We" ends up swooping in and saving wrong actions from suffering the natural consequences.  And in the meantime we put all people and society in peril and disrupt the learning and growing process of the individual.

Day12--Grateful for

the memories!

I was so blessed to be married to a wonderful man.

I am grateful I have happy memories.

Sure we had our times, but they were minimal.  

So, I have many great memories, and for that I am sure grateful.

Party Pictures

Here are a few pictures from Papa's birthday party:

 Cousins saving the world!

 Cute boy!

 Watch out!

 Sweetie!

 Birthday cake; Joe would have LOVED it!  

Great job Athena!

 Pappy & Joseph!

 The entertainment!

Grandma and Raegan!

Happy birthday Papa Joe

Another birthday, but not another year older. . .sad tears!  Yep, we celebrated another birthday without you; we miss you!  We had potluck and everyone brought a dish that reminded them of you!  You left us all with sweet and happy memories of you!

You would be so proud of your children.  They are beautiful people who have created responsible lives with their families.

They love their spouses the way you loved me...you taught them well.

They love their children the way you loved them.

They work hard, they sacrifice for what they want and they are grateful for what they have...you taught them well.

And your grandchildren, they would melt your heart.  They are beautiful, perfect and wonderful.  They give the sweetest smiles, the greatest hugs and the bestest kisses!  The grandchildren LOVE to hold your sword and you would be so happy to see their little faces light up knowing they got to hold papa's sword!  That silly sword!

We all miss you so very much, and we love you,

your forever family.

Alone. . .and. . .Loneliness. . .

Not everyone can be alone.
Not everyone can live alone.
Not everyone can live in the quiet silence.

I have realized it requires a type of maturity and a self acceptance to live and be alone.
It takes courage and strength to wake up and go to bed alone.

Being alone forces one to examine who they are, why they are, and how they live.
Being alone forces a person to support, encourage, and endure themselves!

Sometimes it is easier to lose our selves in doing for others, rather than examine who we are and taking care of oneself.  

And yes, it is different living alone and being apart.  Living alone, no one ever comes home, as opposed to being apart, they will eventually come home!  Eventually coming home, is only a separation with an end; living alone is permanent, no end in sight.

Being alone and loneliness are two different things...
You can be lonely in a crowd, and you can be alone and not lonely!