Tired. . .

Don't know which is more difficult; 
dealing with the pain of loss, 
or dealing with the crap that remains!

The Principle of Compensation

"...The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."

Elder Joseph B. Worthlin, October 2008 Conference. Come What May, and Love It.

Such peace, comfort, and strength I find in the above quote! However I don't know that my tears are still measured by each drop, but rather by the amount of liquid, such as in gallons! Oh well, it will be figured out!

Another comment from Sunday school yesterday, was about how we need to keep a positive attitude during our trials so that we can continue to have the Spirit of the Holy Ghost. Sooooooooooooooo true. The minute we start getting down and out the peace and comfort from the Holy Spirit dwindles.

The Church is Scaffolding for our Lives

"I believe that more than anything else this is because the Church is the scaffolding for both our families and professional lives. … I know scaffolding allows me to reach heights I could not reach otherwise, and do things I could not otherwise reach. ... If we stay firmly centered on the scaffolding of the Church we remain safe and protected. ..."


(Elder L. Tom Perry of the Quorum of the Twelve, The Church is Scaffolding for our Lives, LDS Church News, Friday, 27 January 2012.)

As I read this article, I thought about how the "scaffolding allows me to reach heights I could not reach otherwise, and do things I could not otherwise reach." Four major events in my life came to my mind as I read this article; two events I selected and two events selected me. The two I selected are marriage and motherhood. These two life events have formed and shaped my life. They taught me things I needed to learn and gave me blessings beyond wonderful. However, I found both of these life events were easier, more rewarding, and I was better at them, with the Lord by my side.


The other two life-changing events that selected me were Relief Society President and widow. I chose neither of these two events, however they have allowed me to "reach heights I could not reach otherwise and do things I could not otherwise" do. The scaffolding of the Gospel has given me the tools I have needed to get through these two life changing experiences that found me on my knees several times a day. I am able to do things I never thought possible and these positive changes have become a permanent part of a better me. I cannot imagine doing either without the Lord; luckily you don’t have to serve as an auxiliary president without the Lord, however widowhood, calls weather you are have the Lord in your life or not!


Because widowhood can be such a dark, dreary, and scary road to travel down alone, I cling to that promise that Elder Perry gave, “If we stay firmly centered on the scaffolding of the Church we remain safe and protected. ...”.

Have a happy peaceful Sunday peeps.

Zoo

Yesterday, on my other blog, I wrote about my loft being a zoo.

So out of shame, guess what I did yesterday?

Worked on a pile (really an area) of family history papers!

How many white pieces of paper can one person have in a pile?

Many!

How many of those white pieces of paper are needed?

Most!

Oh, well.  At least I shamed myself into clearing off and cleaning up a huge pile.
Today, another pile!
Then my loft won't look so much like a zoo!

Also, I was able to pin both quilts together, pin two receiving blankets, and finish edging a receiving blanket.

So, everyone run, I'm pulling out the sewing machine today!

Have a great Saturday; I will am up to the Library doing what I love!

A Special Experience

Last week at the Library I had a gentleman ask me a question about a state census record. The problem he was having was that the transcription of the census gave more information than the original document. He explained, he had asked several others including a couple missionaries and no one could explain where this additional information came from.

Because the census ledgers, especially the state census', were so large they are filmed one page and frame at a time, but three pages/frames actually make-up the one record! I clicked on the "next" tab to show him where the original information was recorded on the second and third pages/frames. He was so excited he could barely contain himself.

Last Saturday morning I passed a gentleman and he mentioned to his wife, "There's the missionary who solved my problem, and broke through my brick wall", it was the state-census-man. I smiled.

Yep, I get just as excited for others to solve their family history questions as I do my own!

But more importantly, I feel so blessed to be able to see and know that I wake up everyday without my husband for a reason and a plan bigger and better than my own. My Heavenly Father's reason and plan. I need these experiences to ease the pain and to answer the eternally nagging question of all widows,WHY?

And, when I get these small glimpses I am filled with peace and I know, "all is well."

And. . .the ultra sound says. . .

Congratulations, Farrah, Bradden, Matthew, & Kaleb!
That makes 5 to 3; boys leading the way!

I am very excited for this new little grand daughter.  She is an answer to many prayers and will be loved and treasured in our family.  Wow; the Smith's will be pink!  Grandma better get busy on some new blankets and booties!

Feeling better today and am at the Library!  Yay!  One of my favorite places to be.  Have a good day peeps.
P.S. Thank you everyone for the "get better" wishes from yesterday!

Today I'm grateful for:
1.  Healthy grand children
2.  Technology
3.  Feeling better
4.  an easy drive in downtown today!

Whaaaaaaaaaaah

Yep, it is whining time. Been in bed since Saturday, and I'm tired of being here. My head hurts, I'm tired, dizzy, and every now and again I get the chills. So, I'm not deathly ill, I'm well enough I wanna get up and get something done! Besides I've cleaned off the DVR watching my stash of recorded programs!

Here's the problem, there is no one here for sympathy and I've not seen anyone for days! I've decided sympathy when you are ill goes a very long ways!

Nope don't need anything, because I've learned to keep on hand:
Cold medicine
Niquil
Ginger ale
Pepto
Soup & crackers
Tissues
Aspirin/Tylenol
Cough drops

I HATE having to go to the store when I'm sick, or having to ask someone. So, I just keep that stuff on hand so I'm prepared.




So, there really isn't too much going on here, however, Farrah and Bradden find out today if I should make pink or blue blankets for their little bun-in-the-oven! Very excited!

Quotes

Have been sick. Icky cold, but at least I,m building up antibodies! Ran across these two quotes today, and thought I might share.

Heart

"The tiny flame that lights up the human heart is like a blazing torch that comes down from heaven to light up the paths of mankind.
         For in one soul are contained the hopes and feelings of all Mankind."
-Kahlil Gibran (1883-1931)
 
Love is strong, love is powerful - love makes all things possible. This same strength is within each one of us. Physically, our heart is the "engine" that drives our whole body. Emotionally, love is what keeps us going. Love lights the way for us.
-Lissa Coffey  

I believe we all want the same thing: to be loved.

Things I'm grateful for:
1. Watching the snow from my warm house.
2. No obligations so I can be sick!
3. DVR!

Quote

From J.K. Rowling's June 6, 2008 Harvard Commencement speech:

"The knowledge that you have emerged wiser and stronger from setbacks means that you are, ever after, secure in your ability to survive. You will never truly know yourself, or the strength of your relationships, until both have been tested by adversity. Such knowledge is a true gift, for all that is painfully won, and it has been worth more than any qualification I ever earned."

Somedays. . .

More Pictures

Here are some pictures Joe begged me to take.  He was funny that way.  I was probably taking pictures of something and he wanted to show-off.  He was like a little kid.  He kept saying to me, "Take pictures of my flies."  I kept telling him, no. 

Then I sarcastically said, let's take a picture of your drawer with the fly tying stuff in it.  He was all for it.

I am sooooooo glad I took these pictures, because it is a tangible snap shot of my memories of him learning how to tie his flies. It was a fun hobby for him that he began about two years before he was killed.  Seems so long ago!

Today I grateful for:
1.  Loving him.
2.  Sharing my life with him.
3.  Taking these photographs

Pictures

Yesterday I was gathering pictures to take with me to the Library to scan.   There amongst my family history and landscape photographs were these!  Yep, brought a few tears to my eyes!

 Funny how you remember things, like hanging from his mirror in the above picture is an extra strap for his  sunglasses.  It was  a green strap that says, "Safety First, Pacific Power." 

These pictures were taken in Price in 2004, just before we moved.
I sure miss him. 

Visiting Teaching

I love visiting teaching.  Tuesday, I got to go, and it was, as usual wonderful!  Visiting teaching allows daughters of God, to meet, help, and teach one another. 

Since moving to my current location, visiting teaching has allowed me to make loving friendships.  I have met these sweet women by being assigned to visit teach them, or they are assigned to visit teach with me as a partner.  It is such a blessing to be welcomed into  their homes and learn from these intelligent women. 

Julie B. Beck, Relief Society general president said,  “In reality, visiting teaching is never finished. It is more a way of life than a task. Faithfully serving as a visiting teacher is evidence of our discipleship.” (source reference)

Visiting teaching has been such a blessing in my life.

Today I am grateful for:
1.  The Gospel
2.  Being a daughter of God
3.  visiting teaching
4.  Christ

Censorship

I don't want to get political because that is not what this blog is about, but I finally decided to post something because, if we are going to censor the Internet, it should not be over piracy, but rather porn; which I feel  is more destructive.

What I've been up too...

Yesterday I took this sweetie and her mommy 

and drove 1 1/2 hours to see her aunt and uncle. 

We stopped by the fabric store 

and picked out this fabric for blankets for her new little cousin, 

who is due next month.

Then we went out to eat, of course.
Then we drove home.

Today,

I hung this in my "hall of pictures", it looks super!

Then, I did this--I just love my ladies!  More about this tomorrow.

In the middle of which I had to deal with this:

Something is wrong out in our area with the natural gas, so the company sent employees to every home to check your water heater and outdoor meter.  If you weren't home they shut your gas off!

When I saw the comments on Facebook, I automatically did what I have learned how to do--check the pilot light on the water heater, furnace and the stove.
Go me!
Widowhood has been a teacher!

Then I was able to disconnect 6 of these for a neighbor.  They were not working properly and were chirping uncontrollably!

And, of course I learned how to deal with these because of widowhood!

Twice in one day, the things I've learned from being a widow came in handy!

Now, if you'll excuse me I have more to do today!

Have a great day peeps!

Today I'm grateful for:
1.  Visiting teaching
2.  Knowing how to check my own pilot light, water heater, and furnace.
3.  Knowing how to disconnect smoke detectors.
4.  Having others to eat with so I don't have to eat alone!

2004 Dodge Ram 3500

Three weeks before Joe was killed he bought a brand new 2004 Dodge 3500 Ram. While test driving it he offered me a chance to drive it.

I replied, no, it was his truck and I would not be driving it, so the decision to purchase it was all up to him.

Our first trip back up to Salt Lake while we were coming north down the summit, just a couple of miles from where he was killed, and he was telling me all sorts of fascinating stuff about his new truck. He showed me the cool gadgets, told me how to drive it, and how to put it in four wheel drive.

I barely listened. Okay, I didn't pay attention at all.  When your married you just learn to nod and pretend to pay attention.

Big regret, because some of that stuff would have been helpful to know now, like how tall the truck is. He told me.  (Funny, that info would have been nice to remember the first time I drove down an underground parking lot.  It was to visit an attorney regarding his death, and I figured if the truck was too tall the insurance would fix the damages, and I could always let the air out of the tires to lower the height on the way out!!!  That day, the strangers following behind me told me the they watched and held their breath as I drove over the speed bumps, apparently I only had inches to spare!)

As Joe gushed on and on about his new love, the truck, I smartly asked if he wanted to be buried in it? He said no, that would be a waste of a good truck.

Sadly, I have put more miles on the truck than he did.  I have had the truck 7 years, he had it 3 weeks. But most importantly, when I climb in it I feel like he is hugging me.  It's him all around me.  It's  a part of who he was; a part of his hopes and dreams of where that truck would take him.

Half Way There

Okay, so I began this goal of blogging everyday for a month--oh my!  I think it is just as easy I am  blogging on two of my blogs daily rather than just one blog a day.  No matter, I am half way there!

When I took piano, I came to the realization that as I got older I did what I knew I could do and what I was good at.  I didn't do what I wasn't good at.  I never volunteered to balance someone's check book, or measure anything!  I am not good at that stuff.  I would volunteer to prepare a meal, give a lesson, or paint something, because I am pretty good at that stuff.  Piano made and forced me to do something I was not good at.  It made me stretch and reach and practice for something I wanted.  I miss that. 

Blogging everyday for a month has done the same thing.  In fifteen days it has encouraged me to write about stuff I wouldn't normally share, and it has pushed me when I needed pushing.  It has been a good goal for me.  I am finding myself looking for things to write about or things to share.  I hope that you have enjoyed these past 15 days and here's to another to complete this goal!

Just a reminder. . .

After my shift at the FHL 

I went here today:

and saw a beautiful bride sealed to her husband.  

Congratulations Rosalie & Jerry!

What a nice reminder of WHY I am doing WHAT I am doing and to keep doing it HOW I am doing it, because you-know-WHO is waiting you-know-WHERE!

Hoping you are having a great Saturday also!

Quote

"Whoever survives a test, whatever it may be, must tell the story. That is his duty.”–Elie Wiesel

Status

Yesterday while I was getting my hair done, the beautician who knew I was widowed, said something about my being single.  I was in a crummy mood to begin with and I snapped back, "I'm not single, I'm widowed."

This morning while I was driving into the library, I was thinking about my response and why it irritated me so much.   I wasn't using the widow card, that is a separate issue.  This is more about the title, the badge, the status of "widow" and the picture it paints. 
I realized:
I want credit for being married for 24 years.
I want credit for sticking it out.
I want credit for "better or worse".
I want credit for "winning the race" and making it to the "finish line".
I want kudos for doing his laundry, fixing his meals, and taking care of him.
I want kudos for turning the other cheek, picking my battles and keeping silent.
I want it known I still love him.
I want it known I miss him.
I want it known I did not choose this.
I want it known there was nothing I did to change my status.
I need  the sacredness and specialness of my marriage remembered.
I want it remembered he is still part of who and what I am today.
I want it known that I buried the man I loved.
I want it known that I stood over his casket and said good-bye to him.
I want it remembered that I have to visit his grave-site to be with him.
I want credit for being strong enough to keep walking down this miserable road.

Widowhood is not a badge I want to wear, however, it best paints the description of my situation; "single" does not.

Pictures

Here are some of my pictures I have taken this past week:

Her fist pony tail!

Saturday morning snow, 7 January 2012

Saturday morning snow, 7 January 2012

Saturday evening sunset, 7 January 2012

Today I'm grateful for:

1. The beauty of nature that I see all around me
2. The changing of seasons
3. The view from my back window
4. Grandbabies

What's in his pockets?

Yesterday, I am preparing for the family home evening lesson I have formulated in my head. I will use props for the younger children. Out of the closet I pull out the plastic boat and Joe's suit coat---I can do this.
I am strong.
All is well.
I quickly pick off a thread and piece of lint  from the pin-stripped suit coat, when my hands automatically reach in the pockets. I find 2 chewable Pepto, 2 sodium naproxen, tums, hard raspberry candies, and a Tic Tac.

My mood plummets. As I analyze, I realize I am still looking for confirmation he was here, he lived, he mattered and he still loves me. For a split second I even hope for a note from heaven, like in the movies.  But all I get are a few over-the-counter medicines, hard candies and a breath mint. Only facts proving that he was a man with back pain, an unsettled stomach and a need for "sweets" during church meetings. 
In my head, I  know he lived and because he lived the way he did he influenced many people.
His life mattered, and he did make a difference.
I know he still loves me.
My heart still longs for the confirmation. 
Us silly girls, we are always looking for confirmation of love, even in death!
I change my mind; I use clip art instead of props.
Still no tears.
Grief without tears!
Grief without falling apart!
Grief without sobs!
Wow.
The tears come this morning as I sweep the contents into my hand and toss all but the Tic Tac into the garbage.  I pop it into my mouth, and I cry remembering him. . .
There they are,
the tears, proving I still miss him.

Love

Heart Animations provided by MySpaceAnimations.com

"When others' needs start to matter more than our own, and when others' success are more exciting to us than our own, we are beginning to experience the kind of love that our Father in Heaven and our Savior have for us."

Selfish motives are abundant and hard to steer away from...These are necessarily evil motives; but they're not enough."

"Reaching out to others showing genuine interest and becoming acquainted brings real power."

Source:
 Osguthorpe's talk at BYU Devotional in the Marriott Center on March 8, 2011.
Harker, Monica.  "Love:  most powerful force," Church News, march 12, 2011 page 15.  Brother Russell T. Osguthorpe.

The Seven Year Itch

I think I've got it.  It's been  a little over seven years since Joe died and here is what I know:

• Like breathing the pain is routine
• The sadness is now who I am, it is me and I am it.
• I realize this will be as good as it gets.  This is it.  There is no getting over it; it is now part of who I am.  It is me.
• I am tired of trivial things and trivial people.  I find many aspects of life annoying and irritating and I just don't have the energy to deal with it or be overly kind about it.
• I see the world through different eyes; life, death, and survival.
• It's just a matter of time before everyone walks down this road, so judge me and we'll see how gracefully you will walk this walk.
• Loneliness is darker than the blackest black.  It can and will deceive you and make you do crazy things.
• There is acceptance and surrender in year seven.

Doodles

Here's some stuff I made on my IPad with Doodlebuddy.

12 Days of Widowhood

Day 1--Everyone is there for you:  friends, family, in-laws, funeral directors, church members, ecclesiastical leaders, attorneys, neighbors, friends of friends, cousins of cousins, co-workers of your spouse, everyone for one reason or another.

Day 2--Paperwork and logistics of it all--banks, credit unions, utilities, car titles, life insurance, medical insurance, cell  phone companies, etc.  FYI just because one business adjusted/fixed/updated records easily, doesn't mean the next business will do the same.  They all have rules and regulations.  Seriously?!?

Day 3--Calls & mail.  No one has got the message he's dead, even if they paid out on his death, or closed his account.  And, no one from one department passes that death information on to the next department.  So, lucky-grieving-widow gets to do that.  Of course they over apologize like that will make their stupid phone call disappear from your memory.

Day 4--Friends.  Your husbands friends are gone, because they either don't care or it is too painful for them to see you and be a reminded of their loss.  Your friends are iffy.

Day 5--Family.  You look well you must be doing okay.  Your in-laws are suffering in their grief too, which sometimes does not include you, or if it includes you it is now in a different way.

Day 6--The vultures are waiting for you.  Repairmen, attorneys, family--yep with their hands out, and even some friends.

Day 7--Life insurance/insurance--Jump through the hoops and we'll mail you a check.  Beware.  They might want their money back!  Seriously?  Yep being over paid is common; or I seem to know a lot of widows who are the rarity.  I was contacted FOUR years after the fact asking to return hundreds of dollars!  A friend was over paid tens of thousands of dollars and had to send back the overpayment amount.  You would think that this would be one area in life where accuracy was very important.  Kinda like surgery, some things you just can't take back.

Day 8--Call me...A new widow cannot even crawl out of bed some days and your waiting for her call, seriously?  You can dial 7 numbers to find out how I am or I, who just buried my husband can dial 7 numbers to tell you how I am.  Hummmm.  And, if I do call, what exactly can you do?  Call me if you need anything; can you bring him back?  Can you make the pain end?  Can you further along the grief process?  What exactly should I call you for?

Day 9--Gawkers--They just want to know if your going to move, remarry, lose your mind, and how much life insurance did you get.  They are there only to watch the train wreck.  Luckily, they will soon move on the the next event.

Day 10--Family.  Finally those family members teetering on the edge from Day 5 will let go and move on only to contact you on holidays and when mandatory announcements need to be made:  births, weddings, deaths and illnesses.

Day 11--Friends. Finally those friends teetering on the edge from Day 4 will let go and move on only to speak to you when you run into them in the community.

Day 12--All that are left are those TRUE friends, family, and neighbors who can handle helplessly watching your pain and grief.  These are the angles who God sends.  These are they who will hold your hand and dry your tears. These angles will reach out to you expecting nothing in return.  These are angles who remember you when their lives are busy, busy busy.   These are the home and visiting teachers who actually stop by and visit.  These are the people in your life who actually pick up the phone and call.  These are the people who Mosiah speaks about:  mourn with those who mourn.

(Note:  this post is not meant to blame anyone, the intent is  rather to warn the new widow on the road of grief, and maybe give perspective to those who know a widow.  After all, widows are walking down this new road, and similarly, their friends, family and acquaintances are also walking down an unfamiliar road.)

Serendipity

In addition to posting everyday on this blog, I also decided to blog everyday on my family history blog (nothing like doing two blog challenges at once).

You know, I have learned that nothing in family history work is coincidental.  When I first began the research I used to interrogate Joe about the power plant, coal, and coal mining. Over the years I thought that it was "interesting" that my husband worked at a coal fired power plant and that my ancestors were coal miners.
 
Who knew I would become so knowledgeable about coal, but family history work does that to you.  It was also coincidental that coal took my husband & I to Wyoming where my ancestors were coal miners.

Gatsby Power Plant, December 2011

Then, about two or three weeks ago, as I was working on the 3rd floor at the FHL, I noticed the stacks of the Gatsby Power Plant, and suddenly I had more than a "full-circle-of-life" experience.  It was like I was hit-in-the-gut.

An unintended gasp involuntarily escaped me.

Since that day, the whole concept has been milling in my mind.  This past Saturday after working at the library, I went out and snapped some pictures, and then I took the opportunity to really write and formulate this post with pictures.

Coincidental?  Serendipity?  Go see for yourself here.  

Today I am grateful for: 
1.  To be a missionary.
2.  To have time, the season, and means to research.
3.  My ancestors, who where hard working coal miners and coal miner wives.

Quote

"Another fresh new year is here . . . another year to live! To banish worry, doubt, and fear, to love and laugh and give! This bright new year is given me to live each day with zest . . . to daily grow and try to be my highest and my best! I have the opportunity once more to right some wrongs, to pray for peace, to plant a tree, and sing more joyful songs.”. 

Source:
William Arthur Ward (1921-1994);
author, educator, motivational speaker


Today I'm grateful for:
1. My warm bed.
2. My talent to paint, I love to do it!
3. Friends who call me!

Missionary Work

Last night I had an awesome and special experience of accompanying the missionaries on a visit to an investagator's home. What a wonderful way to spend an evening. The Spirit was so intense, and I marveled as I was blessed to watch the Lord use these young Elders to reach His beloved children who have so desperately prayed for answers to their questions.

I am reminded, of how blessed I am to know the answers to our mortal questions. I am blessed to know and experience the peace and joy that comes from living the Gospel. It was a sweet reminder of how blessed I am through my obedience.

I am also grateful, knowing that Joe's death did not end our relationship. I could never imagine experiencing death without the knowledge of eternal life or without the peace from the Holy Ghost.

I am blessed
and
I am grateful.

20 Random things about being Grandma

picture from here

1. They love you with their whole hearts, eyes, hands, and mouths.
2. They say the darnest things!
3. They are so honest it is refreshing and hysterical!
4. They color lovely pictures.
5. When they get old enough you can pay them off!
6. When they see you their feet don't touch the floor until they are in your arms.
7. They believe with their whole entire heart you are the BEST!
8. As they get older you can bribe them with electronics!
9. Your bathtub is better than the one at their house.
10. Your food is so much better than what their mothers feed them.
11. They know you are ALWAYS on their side.
12. You have time to listen to stories, hold them and love on them.
13. You know they are a genius, so they show off for you.
14. They think you are above the law--drive faster grandma!
15. You patience is enduring, unlike when their parents were little.
16. They believe you can buy ANYTHING.
17. You don't get in trouble if you fudge the rules for them.
18. You can be naughty and stick your finger in the cake frosting and give them a taste.
19. Even though they outgrow believing everything you tell them, they are too polite to call you out on it!
20. You are not above buying, bribing, or bargaining for their love!

New Year, New Goal

When I hurt I cannot write.
When I am scared I cannot cry.
Two very weird things about me!

It's a new year and one of my resolutions is to 

Blog  more

Blog more

BLOG more

Seriously slacking in the blogging this past year, Oh well, get on with it and do better this year!


Since the seven year deathaversary a gate was opened and it feels very good to release all of that emotion that has been boiling inside of me.  For the past seven years it has been leaking out through my tears, paralyzing parts of my life, soothing my dreams and reconstructing who I am.

So, I am going to try the NaBloPoMo challenge.  Blog everyday for the entire month of January.

It may get ugly, but grief is ugly.
It may get sad, but grief is sad.
It might even get dark, but welcome to widowhood.


Luckily, I am more than a widow, so there should be some other middle-aged, genealogy-junkie, grandma-loving posts too!