The Wind and the Widow

Not only do I hate falling a sleep alone; I really hate having to do it twice in one night.  Did you hear the wind last night?  Well, I did and it woke me up, so that meant I had to fall back asleep a second time.  I laid there and listened and finally decided that it wasn't just a few gusts, but rather serious continuous wind.  So, I probably needed to get up and check things--things my husband should be there to do.

Which brings me to the tiresome reality of being alone.  Everything falls on your shoulders.  Car maintenance, house repairs, bills, decisions, taxes, plumbing, sprinklers, computer problems, appointments, phone calls, grocery shopping, opening jars, and checking wind damage.  It is not just one single thing that is overwhelming, rather, it is everything all the time while shrouded in grief.   The continual everything that begins immediately when he dies.  It starts with arrangements for the funeral and burial, and then the decisions never ever end.  Everything falls on your shoulders. Every. Single. Thing.

It is really difficult when you are first widowed, and smothered with grief, to have everything dumped on you, but over time it gets easier.  Indeed grief is a very icky road to travel down, but as the grief fog lifts and your widow muscles grow stronger you become capable, able and adept at handling everything by yourself.

So, I crawled out of bed checked the gates, yard and water heater pilot light and was relieved that I am doing better and that I am several miles down the widowhood road rather than at the first stop sign!

Today I am grateful for:
1.  my house not floating in Utah Lake
2.  a hot morning shower
3.  the pilot light staying lit during last nights wind
4.  being several miles down this road

Having a great day...

So, there is a spring in my step, a song in my heart, and I am up and dressed with an agenda. Also, this is my second post today. What has brought on all this joy?

I survived September (Joe's b-day), October (our anniversary), November (deathaversary & Thanksgiving) & December (sealing anniversary & christmas) again!!!

Wonderful.
Exciting.
Refreshing.
Relief.

Carry on world, I'm joining in again! The other eight months of the year contain just bumps in the road, and surviving them is easier than the marathon from September through December!

Cutest Blog & Other Stuff

One of my dear sweet friends has an awesome new blog called Crafty Cousins. It is a hit! It is so much fun to browse and get crafty ideas from. Last night I spent way too much time just snooping at all the fun ideas. Go check it out here

In other news, after Christmas I began to clean up my paints from the pillow cases, and I thought, I still want to paint...so, I began painting 5 of the 8 pillow cases I'll need for next Christmas! Go me! Hopefully, I'll be able to locate the finished pillow cases when I need them next December.

There is one thing about widowhood that's not so bad;
people kinda don't expect normal outta ya!

Here's what I am thankful for:
1. I am 7 years out; unlike a friend who started down this road Christmas eve.
2. The sunrise is a beautiful shade pink this morning.
3. I love my view of the lake.

Have a good day,peeps!

Gratitude

Needed my spirits lifted today, and my mission always seems to do that for me. Feeling so very blessed to serve the Lord in this way at this time.
Today I am grateful for:
1. My mission at the FHL.
2. The other missionaries I have gotten to know and love.
3. Working/spending time with/bugging my Dad on the days we work together!

Baby Shower

December 17, 2011
Baby shower for son and daughter-in-law:

cupcakes

Rollo snowmen

table decorations

We served cheesy potato soup, creamy wild rice soup, and homemade chicken noodle soup with rolls, vegetable tray, and tossed salad, punch and cupcakes.

Thank you everyone for coming.  I hope it gave you a minute to catch your breath and enjoy a meal during the busy holiday season.

Things I am grateful for:

1. A new grandson
2. A wonderful daughter-in-law & son that will raise new grandson in love and the Gospel
3. Friends and family who supported and attended the baby shower

Christmas 2011

Christmas was nice.  Dinner included Dad and his wife, the in-laws, niece "K", both daughters and their families and son and his wife, and little sister and her husband.  Total 19 people.
We ate turkey, ham, yams, potatoes & gravy, jalapeno stuffing, homemade cranberry sauce, raspberry & pretzel jello salad, rolls, vegetable tray with Ranch dip (and yummy sweet pickles), tossed salad, broccoli & cheese, green bean casserole, deviled eggs, and fresh garden corn. And I made a punch with limeade and Sprite, with cut up oranges and lemons, with cranberries.  It turned out very yummy!  Even used the punch bowl from my wedding, haven't pulled it out for ages.  It was kind of fun!

Food was great.
Gifts were great.
Children were fun.


Pictures. . . well the camera sat on the counter. . .and I never used it.
Funny how frequently I do that!
Oh well, here are pictures of the grand-children's pillow cases I painted and gave them:

the planets and spaceships

flowers

farm animals

space ships and glow in the dark aliens

hoping everything nice will rub off in her sleep!

Things I am grateful for:

1. The birth of the Savior
2. The Gospel
3. My family & friends
4. Church on Christmas Day

Merry Christmas

I woke up at 4:30 am, from a Nyquil-induced-sleep, to powder my nose.  I was dreaming that the remainder of the lawn needed to be mowed and I had asked Joe to finish it.  He said he had a few other things he needed to do; I explained that I needed it done now, because he might  never get to it otherwise.

Instead of starting off Christmas day  like this, I  went back to sleep. . .bad dream. . .start over. . .

Only to wake up at 6 am from a dream that we were in the RV and he was trying to get some sanding done and I was trying to unpack and clean.  He, once again, did not see how I needed him to listen because he might never get it done. 

Yep, save me the inference on what it all means. . .

I'll tell you what it means:
even though I was doing really great, the great big ugly GRIEF hand has reached up and slapped me in the face.

So, now I have to face his parents, niece, our children and everyone--everyone who WANTS him here--alone.  I am living the life we created together, only to stand alone among everyone who misses and loves him.

Darn it.
Darn it.
Darn it.
Dumb dreams.
Dumb death.
Really dumb drunk driver.

M-e-r-r-y   C-h-r-i-s-t-m-a-s!
(sniffle sniffle sniffle; now I'll be fine!)

Christmas Decorating

Last night we trimmed the tree, carefully placed our beloved Christmas decorations around the house while Christmas music and the peppermint candle filled the air.  Afterwards, we sipped hot cocoa in the dark and watched the Christmas lights twinkle with the merriment of the season.

NOT

It has taken me two weeks to drag up a few containers and place a few things around the house.  I tripped over the plastic totes and grumbled over having to decorate.  

Finally yesterday while bawling like a baby,  I took a Xanax and was able to get through the tears, and memories, and I finished putting up the tree and decorating it.

I guess the Christmas decorating tears are for missing what used to be.  Everything I pulled out reminded me of Joe or the children, and there is some sadness because I miss that season of my life.  It was fun and it was a blast, and stressful and busy.  I miss the excitement and the wonderment of the season, but I am in a new season now and although it is not one I choose, I am here and it's not bad--just a little lonely. 

I think the writers block I have suffered since the spring and summer has lifted.  I know now you are all thinking, "help, she won't shut up."  

Can you imagine something being so painful that it would prevent you from doing something you enjoyed and loved.  Who would have thought that it would take 7 years to finally be able to put pen to paper.  Grief is an unpredictable road to travel and hopefully none of you will have to experience it.  


Things I am grateful for:
1.  While Christmas decorating no one fought.
2.  The tree didn't fall over
3.  The tree wasn't taller than the ceiling
4.  The lights worked before and after they were put on the tree.
5.  I have good memories of past Christmas' to miss.

Imagine. . .

Kemmerer Camera, 21 December 1907

Can you imagine to "teach the future mother how to dress the future child."  Maybe that is why those silly teenage boys wear their pants with-their-undies-hanging-out; their mothers didn't get to practice!  Better idea; we should give those boys with their undies-hanging-out-of-their-pants their own dolls to practice with, maybe that's the problem! ! !  1907 they had the answer!

Kemmerer Republican, 22 December 1916

Does #2 really say "if you must have snow use...asbestos fibre".  NOT a good idea! Does #3 really say "do not let children light or re-light candles WHILE PARENTS ARE NOT PRESENT"?  NO!  It's a wonder any of us are here if these basics needed to be printed!!!  And, duh it does say, "Electrical illumination is safer"!!!  Yep, yep, yep!

Just a little side tracked while researching old newspapers!!!!

Surrender

Where you once stood;
now stands my new mate.


When I sleep;
I am not alone.

I wake up;
He's faithfully there.


I long for your arms;
but I am smothered by his grip.


We have dinner together;
and attend social functions arm in arm.


We go grocery shopping,
and travel together.


We spend evenings watching television;
and eat meals together.

The silence;
no longer unsettling.

Finally, comfortable,
in each others' company.


The space you once occupied,
is not empty;


But rather there's a new spouse.
Grief.


He's here to stay;
like an unavoidable appendage.


By my side during holidays,
and anniversaries.


I surrender,
what I cannot change.


Grief;
my spouse
who
moved
in
and took your place.

All I Ask is for 30 Seconds...

Last Thursday I am at Little Caesar's Pizza.  In walks a man about Joe's size and shape AND said guy is wearing a tan Carhart. 

I want to walk up to him and say, "Hold me."

Surely, if I can close my eyes and pretend he's Joe, then he can pretend I'm not nutty.

Do it for charity.

Do it for the betterment of widow-kind.

Do it for being mean to your mom when you were a kid.

I don't care why you do it; I just want 30 seconds to be back in my husband's arms.

Instead I leave with my warm pizza and walk into a room of little people who think I am the best grandma because pizza IS their favorite.

A widow's gotta get her hugs where she can!

Eskimo Legend & Anniversary

"Perhaps they are not really stars in the sky, but rather openings where our loved ones shine down to let us know they are happy."

I know what you are all saying, "oh no, not another anniversary."  

Yep, but this year I remembered this one thank you to my Joe's new IPad and the handy calendar!  

Friday, December 9 is Joe and my sealing anniversary.

Yep, it was the day we were sealed for all eternity in the Manti Temple.

It was a very HAPPY day and here is what I remember:

• We were married civilly 17 years before we were sealed
• I was more nervous being sealed than married--by then I kinda had an idea of how long "eternity" was going to be!
• It was only 10 months and 5 days from the day I first went through the temple.  (When conversion happens it happens fast.)
• For the past seven years, I have CLUNG and HELD TIGHTLY to that sealing.  
• There was a snow storm, and I didn't care if anyone else was able to make it to the temple.
• There are no words to describe the feeling of  having my family all togeher in the temple.  That was the only day we were or will ever be all in the temple at the same time:  Joe, myself and our children.
• It was very cold, you can tell by our pictures
• Very beautiful and very sacred.

So here's to 14 years and the rest of forever with you. . .I miss you!

X O X O X O X O

Lights on Temple Square

picture from here

Dear Friends and Family:

Article in the Church News about the Christmas Lights on Temple Square.  Get your copy today and I'll autograph it for you later!!! (Just kidding)  Just another perk of missionary work on Temple Square, feeling the Spirit of Christmas and seeing the lights.  Here's a link to the article:
http://www.ldschurchnews.com/articles/61781/Lights-on-Temple-Square.html

Love,
Janet

You can never. . .

photo from here

. . .make the same mistake twice; 

because the second time 

you make it's not  a mistake, 

it's a  choice.