It’s hard to drive forward, looking in the rear view mirror

Widowhood is difficult because you are trying to move forward with life and the rest of the world, but your thoughts, dreams, memories and heart all remain in the yesterday. 

One difficult aspect of moving forward is all of the tugs physically and emotionally pulling me backwards.  Every day I wake up and the calendar and time meanders forward, and the world moves onward.  Everything around me moves with the current of progression, but I am like the sand bar in the middle of a fast moving river.  I watch everyone and everything rush past me…going forward…living…growing…but I am stuck…I am the ridge in the middle of the river, holding still…catching debris…listening to the rush and watching the bustle…I am stuck…held back…immobile…

As I have tried to take steps to move forward, I feel him near me; I feel him surround me and be with me and I am reminded of the past days and past memories of him.  I am reminded he is not part of today or tomorrow.  I am pulled backwards into yesterday and of being with him.

As I have tried to flow forward with the river, my dreams are taken over by his presence, actions, voice and touch; I awake and am reminded of the past, feelings, hopes, and dreams.  I am left with the sweetness of being with him, but the void of his true presence in the here and now.

A song on the radio will shock me back to yesterday in a split second.  A flash of a memory will hijack me to the past.  Anniversaries, holidays and birthdays all transport me to what was. 

It’s difficult to live forward when I keep getting pushed backwards into yesterday.  It is like walking against a strong head wind every.single.day…it’s not that I don’t want to, it’s that it is impossible too.