Not only do I hate falling a sleep alone; I really hate having to do it twice in one night. Did you hear the wind last night? Well, I did and it woke me up, so that meant I had to fall back asleep a second time. I laid there and listened and finally decided that it wasn't just a few gusts, but rather serious continuous wind. So, I probably needed to get up and check things--things my husband should be there to do.
Which brings me to the tiresome reality of being alone. Everything falls on your shoulders. Car maintenance, house repairs, bills, decisions, taxes, plumbing, sprinklers, computer problems, appointments, phone calls, grocery shopping, opening jars, and checking wind damage. It is not just one single thing that is overwhelming, rather, it is everything all the time while shrouded in grief. The continual everything that begins immediately when he dies. It starts with arrangements for the funeral and burial, and then the decisions never ever end. Everything falls on your shoulders. Every. Single. Thing.
It is really difficult when you are first widowed, and smothered with grief, to have everything dumped on you, but over time it gets easier. Indeed grief is a very icky road to travel down, but as the grief fog lifts and your widow muscles grow stronger you become capable, able and adept at handling everything by yourself.
So, I crawled out of bed checked the gates, yard and water heater pilot light and was relieved that I am doing better and that I am several miles down the widowhood road rather than at the first stop sign!
Today I am grateful for:
1. my house not floating in Utah Lake
2. a hot morning shower
3. the pilot light staying lit during last nights wind
4. being several miles down this road
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