Yep, I did and it's okay.
Sometimes on this walk down widowhood road you just have to do what you want.
Sometimes you just don't have the energy or the strength to endure one more drive home alone tears streaming down your face because although being with everyone is great, after it's over the big gaping hole of emptiness reminds you how much you miss him.
Sometimes dinner and spending time with family is just not worth walking into a dark empty house.
Crawling into a cold empty bed,
and knowing he'll never hold you again.
Sometimes it's not about the food, it IS about avoiding the pain.
Thank you family for understanding
because
IT IS OKAY!
(P.S. If the shoe was on the other foot, I imagine with the life insurance he would have bought himself a brand new four wheeler, what better way to remember your deceased wife, and he would be out on the San Rafeal swell alone, and. . . you all would be okay with that.)
Dear Janet, thankyou for your comment. I love your blog as well. Yesterday I had a conversation with my beautician. She lossed her husband a year ago to cancer. She was telling me her regrets. Little things like ("i wished i would have hugged him more) she told me about things to prepare for. I came home and talked to Mr. C about everything we talked about. If anything should ever happen to him (due to his kidney failure) I hope to have peace knowing we worked out the details. I can't imagine what it is like for you. I know that no matter how much you prepare we can't imagine the "dark empty void" it will be. Prayers go out to you for courage. I appreciate your journey of love and devotion you gave to your husband. God Bless, XO
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